February 9, 2016 at 5:42 pm #155810
Since becoming a Turbo last September my life has dramatically improved. I’ve met so many fantastic people that I can’t wait to meet one day. I’ve also seen people with a variety of issues, some of whom I’ve had the fortune to talk to and support. Whatever you may be dealing with, be it depression, suicidal thoughts, or just stress, I wanted to make this thread to give people an outlet to talk about these things. A common theme I’ve seen is Turbos thinking they don’t matter to this community. Now this thread isn’t to group all these issues together just with a simple “Get Well” message every now and then. Everyone’s problems matter and I want to be there to help everyone dealing with this. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk if we’re having trouble, nor should we think that our problems are stupid. Everyone needs something different, but I just want people to know that me and hopefully other Turbos are here for you. I’ve got problems myself, but this community and more specifically this thread are helping me deal with them. Other turbos have supported me and the intention of this thread is to talk it through, before it’s too late. You’re not alone.
May 4, 2016 at 9:33 am #158592
@soreiya Haha thank you! If you don’t mind me asking, why did you decide to give up the collaborative story?May 4, 2016 at 4:15 pm #158613
@inevitable It’s actually just on hold. Though I feel a really great loss none the less. It was not just my dream to finish it, but it was also an outlet for my emotions and a way to problem solve. Working on it always made me happy. When I got new ideas I was always really excited to share them.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to work on it again so I’m sad. My reasoning was something hard to explain to my ex friend. The characters in the story seem to overcome their differences and learn to accept and forgive one another with time. How can people who can’t even be friends write such a story to it’s fullest potential if we can’t learn anything from it’s characters?May 4, 2016 at 6:19 pm #158624
Well, my colleague I have a crush on has officially been fired just now, too.
And it looks like many of the others who tried to help me stay are on the list as well.
They are cleaning house and it’s my fault.
I had to say something against the company’s new favorite pet, who pretty much declared himself our superior, and now everybody I liked is paying the price.
Have actually tried to get in a better mood recently.
Been in chat more, made some dumb jokes. Overwatch is super fun.
But I’m so sick of all of this.
Literally no day goes by without a kick in the stomach.
Wanted to take a trip for a few days with a very old friend, some beers, movies and a few days off the air waves.
Maybe rekindle the old friendship after not seeing each other in a decade.
Called him today to ask when he’d come and it turns out he forgot.
“Maybe next month”.
Meanwhile I’ve apparently helped to get my crush and her bf back together and she posts on Facebook about how happy she is with him and how amazing he is.
Every morning I see it, when I wake up and check my messages.
And Paypal is withholding my last paycheck (for a “routine investigation”), so I don’t have access to the money I earned and can’t pay my rent or bills or even buy some fucking food.
Screw all of this.May 5, 2016 at 10:19 am #158660
@soreiya Ah, I see. That is really hard. I also use writing as an outlet so I think I see the importance of that. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Do you feel you’re still able to write and think through the characters and what made you happy about writing them even if you don’t get to do it with your ex friend?
@hrotgarmr I wish I could do more than just say how sorry I am for all of that and how much I hope it gets better. I haven’t gotten to be in chat much, but when I’m there I enjoy seeing your posts! I’m glad you’ve come to the Overwatch shows. I hope you get your money and can find some friends who want to really help you.May 7, 2016 at 12:38 am #158707
Hey. It’s cool of you to have a topic like this, Raddy. Thanks for being a welcoming human. Now I’m going to use this. A tiny bit about me. Was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, treated like a guinea pig, was never schizophrenic, now I am disabled because the meds altered the chemistry in my brain to permanently screw me up mentally. Psychiatrists are dickwads.
Things have been strange lately. Gonna tell this story since it is most prominently affecting me. Sorry, it’s a long one.
It is the 15th anniversary of my mom’s second husband trying to kill us in a month. It was her birthday, she was walking a friend out to a car and I was on the computer chatting. She heard jingling, ran inside and slammed the door, locked it…screamed, “He’s got a gun, run!” He had been threatening for weeks, she had a restraining order. I ran, stupidly, into her room and then bathroom. He had already kicked in the door and was trailing her. He had an M14 and two .45’s, dressed all in black with black face paint and an army beret on. My mom pulled a .25 from beneath her mattress and fired. I remember her holding his harms down as he stumbled out of her bedroom and into the living room.
When he fell, she yelled for us to get out. I ran out of the front door, past his body lying on the floor; he was groaning. We ran to my grandmother’s house next door and I called 911 with her and my grandmother screaming in the background. It took 15 minutes for the police to get there, the waiting was excruciating. The police discovered him dead on the floor. After she blindly fired, the bullet pierced the center of his heart and he died approximately a minute and a half later. He was probably already dead when we got to my grandmother’s house. We all spent the rest of the night in the police station giving our statements. They kept her gun as evidence and said it was self-defense. After the dust settled, we found out that his family had institutionalized him multiple times and no one said anything to us. We were living with someone who thought he had served in the army and cried during Saving Private Ryan because of the “things he had to do” when the dude never even served. It was bizarre.
It has affected my mom ever since, for obvious reasons. We don’t really celebrate her birthday. She said once that she actually jumped on his grave on her birthday the year after it happened. It never affected me until last year. He had a daughter, who was too young to know anything. Her mother contacted mine on Facebook asking if she would be willing to talk about it with his daughter. After that, it hit me really hard and I smoked weed until the day came and went.
Last year was depression, this year it is back as terror. Usually at night, having flashes of terror. Phone on 911 every time I step outside, planning escape routes, what I would do if something happened, mistaking inanimate objects for something frightening like in horror movies. Pretty much Neve Campbell in Scream 3 right now. And I have another month of spontaneously feeling like this. That is the kick in the balls.May 7, 2016 at 4:28 am #158713
@banallmusic I’m so sorry dude. That’s a really rough turn of events. We are all here for you. if you’re ever feeling like that again, anytime, know we are here to talk it out.
Those kind of experiences really scar you. It can really stick with you mentally. And for good reason, it’s responding to danger, to stress. But the problem comes with it being dwelled on, for years and years into the future, never getting rid of that fight or flight feeling.
Moving on can be hard. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. But do something that makes you happy, find people to talk about it (us included), find a way to move on and look back and see how ridiculous everything you’ve been through has been.
Stick around here, you cool dude ;) *hugs*May 9, 2016 at 7:21 am #158813
I think I’ve realized that I need someone who needs me as much as I need them. So I end up feeling selfish because of how attached I get, when they’re not as persistent, which SHOULD be fine; But it leaves me feeling lonely. As if I need almost constant interaction or I get worried. Which is ridiculousMay 10, 2016 at 1:43 am #158862
@radladdy You sound a bit like how I felt over this past year. ;____; It took things being thrown into chaos to make me become a clingy paranoid mess. I’ve gotten better, but now am faced with loneliness of not having any real genuine connections. I talk to people, but I know that they really don’t need me that all of them have someone they would rather be with than me.May 10, 2016 at 6:51 am #158872May 18, 2016 at 8:22 pm #159182
Just figured I’d post this here because I was unsure of posting in the chat. If I ever seem dickish in what I say I apologize because sometimes for no real reason (or for reasons I probably should investigate) I just decide to be cynical in what I’m saying or in response to something. I guess maybe in some fucked up way I do it for personal amusement but most of the time I just end up feeling bad about it afterwords hence this post. I don’t know no one told me that my 30’s was going to make things any easier. Guess I was foolish to think that.May 18, 2016 at 8:40 pm #159183
@deathbyblunderbuss It’s no problem man. I get it. Being cynical is a double edged sword. It makes you feel wiser to yourself, smarter even, but then turns out awkwardly. A lot of the time for me it’s for self amusement too, and it’s sometimes left me feeling distant, like I’ve lost respect.
I don’t know if this is just generally how you’ve been or a response to our conversations in chat, but you’re an awesome dude. No worries. You’re no shithead. Here you are apologizing anyway. You’ve got good intentions and you’re a great part of this community.May 19, 2016 at 5:59 pm #159216
@radladdy – I just want to say thanks for making this post. I rarely talk much about myself, it’s just the way I was raised when I was a kid, ya know that whole “keep your personal business private” thing and that never left me life, but, finding links like the one @missblow posted up about ‘Empathy versus Sympathy’ was really helpful.
Thanks MissBlow. :)
Let’s just say… that I reached a point in my life where I feel happy and satisfied not having “friends”. Now I don’t mean the “we meetup with smiles and hugs for one weekend and go our separate ways after the meetup” type of friendship. No, I mean the “I know and trust you will never hurt me, and enjoy my company because my presence is good enough.” type of friendship; I just came to find that type of friendship overrated, that’s all.
But, I know I will be all right, because I still have my life choices in my hands, both the bad and the good.
Thanks for listening to my rants.May 19, 2016 at 6:56 pm #159218
I’m glad you’re feeling happy and satisfied with where you are. I guess that kind of friendship is a bit overrated. But in any case, I can certainly guarantee we’re all here for you when and if you need it.June 2, 2016 at 9:29 pm #159735
Been in a deep depression lately. Suicidal thoughts, yeah. But I’ve dealt with those for 20 years now, so that isn’t anything to worry about in the sense that I may self-harm. Can’t do simple things like drive 10 minutes somewhere without panicking, felt pretty worthless over that. As stated in my other post, I have OCD. Of the emotional slant, not the Marc Summers/Double Dare kind. The specific variation is rare and nearly impossible to treat.
Found out my uncle was leaving everything he owns to me when/if he passes away. That would make me wealthy. I was shocked and confused, but he said that he wanted me to be taken care of. I didn’t understand that until yesterday when I had ongoing panic attacks all day. If I didn’t feel broken before…yeah. I didn’t want to say anything about what I’ve been feeling, but I am trying to be more open. Even if it is the internet with strangers.June 2, 2016 at 10:07 pm #159737
@banallmusic *hugs* We’re always here for you buddy. I’ve been panicking a lot myself, it’s the most uncomfortable feeling, and it’s only recently that I’ve found some coping strategies. Even then, it really REALLY gets to me sometimes. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was OCD, but I’d feel like an asshole for self-diagnosing. Even though I have before, and that’s what I’ve told people. Having something to blame it on provides a bit of guilty relief I guess.
Seriously, if possible and if there’s no one better to go to, remember to always come here when you’re stuck in a rut. If you can, and if you’re feeling alone, I’d just hate to think of you having to deal with it by yourself, when I want to always be here to help. I know how terrible it can feel.
Huge respect to your uncle. I’m really glad that he’s looking out for you.June 3, 2016 at 1:40 pm #159745
@banallmusic Yeah, your uncle sounds awesome for doing that for you, but I understand how that could become overwhelming. I’m glad you are trying to be more open. :) I’ve seen it help for myself. And I think it can really help to start to become open with non-Internet-strangers. But @radladdy is right, you can always come here. If there’s anything we can do, let us know. But I’m wishing you the best. I’m definitely glad you’re still here to talk to us about it!June 10, 2016 at 7:38 pm #160054
Update while show is playing in background. Not much has changed. I’ve tried talking to people in real life. For the past three weeks, I have asked everyone to hang out with me and explained the situation as I have on here. I only hear “I’m busy today, maybe tomorrow.” Then tomorrow happens and the same thing happens. Today, I finally had plans but after a round of joking about how hot it is, the person somehow thought I didn’t want to hang out and made plans with someone else. After I cleared it up that I did, was left alone again for the third week.
Tomorrow night a little after 10pm is the anniversary of the bad thing I talked about on here. Everyone has been notified. Family only cares. I’m currently disowning my dickhead friends.June 10, 2016 at 8:14 pm #160055
@banallmusic Oh buddy. I know exactly how that is. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been blown off by my ‘friends’. They just don’t seem to care, there isn’t mutual respect. I’ll plan something weeks in advance sometimes, and then they’ll say they’re busy at the last minute. Thanks for clearing your calendar? It’s sad. I’ve always tried to be faithful. But they’re seriously just disrespectful and condescending assholes sometimes. As such, I’ve been distancing myself and almost trying to just move on from them. I appreciate having the turbo club where I’ll be taken seriously, where people are actually kind of nice to talk to? I’m sorry, I’m being a hypocrite. Urged you to try and connect with people off the internet when I’ve done the opposite myself. It’s ridiculous that there are so many people online, that just understand. That are just awesome awesome people. I’ve been coming here and to other communities, basically 24/7 because of that. I don’t see why I should give my ‘friends’ my time if they don’t respect me.
I’ll be thinking about that anniversary tomorrowJune 11, 2016 at 3:07 am #160064
You’re in for an awesome time, Raddy. From my experience, that doesn’t change the older you get. But ya get one friend that will be there for you as much as they possibly can. I do have that friend, it is just unfortunate that she lives six and a half hours away now and has a ton of health issues from the hospital screwing up her epidural when she was in labor.
Not been a fun night. Emotional state has more dislikes than the Ghostbusters trailer and mind reads like the comments. It will be fine. Just have to live through it for a while and it will be fine. At least I am feeling emotions again, so that is a sign I am on my way.June 11, 2016 at 11:11 am #160074June 11, 2016 at 11:47 am #160075
To be fair, us online people are somewhat more available to talk namely because we don’t have to go anywhere to chat, and we’re usually comfortably at home or at work (with very relaxed rules) to do so. We may even be the very people who blew off their friends to relax at home to chat here. Not saying we are, but we can be. Perhaps I’m playing Devil’s advocate to bring us a different perspective on online people like myself.
At one point in my life, I came across a T-shirt that had HOPES written on it. Except that was both a word and an acronym. While the T-shirt itself is nothing special in any way, and has nothing to do with anything, I found the acronym to leave an impression on me. It said Hold On Pain EndS. That kind of burned into my mind, and I figured I’d share that for you guys to think about. Take that as you will.
Also, Martin Billany/Littlekuriboh from Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged is setting up an E-mail for people to submit their stories for “You’re Still Here” which is a spin-off from the “We’re Still Here” series on his YouTube channel. Sounds like there’s enough demand for it, and a LOT of people have things to share like this very thread here. He talks about it a few minutes in on the Momocon episode of “We’re Still Here”. Could be an option for all of us to anonymously submit our experiences, frustrations, and steps we’ve taken to get our lives back. I suppose I’m randomly sharing things, but I’m also hoping to mention whatever I can think of, and see what sticks with anybody.
BanAllMusic, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but you’re fighting a lot better than you think. Reading between your lines does show more positivity than what most people would say in your place. You’ve even squeezed in bits of humor in there. To me, it looks like you’re already showing us you’re emotionally prepared to take on the struggle you’re dealing with. You’re also showing us by example how to “deal with it.” It’s, kind of inspiring. Again, take that as you will, and hang in there.June 11, 2016 at 3:05 pm #160080
Sometimes I don’t understand my brain.
It’s been a little while since I commented on this thread.
Not because I don’t care about your stories, I read them all, but because I never know what to say, what to do to help.
That’s why I mostly comment when I’m in need of some friendly advice, please don’t hold that against me.
Since I commented last some things happened, that should make me happy.
I got this awesome new job, no toxic co-workers, more money, more interesting.
My weight keeps going down, even though I still got a long way to go.
All in all you could say that it’s going pretty good in the life of Hrot.
What I don’t understand is, why I’m still this unhappy.
I was extremely excited to start my new job, but 2-3 days later that feeling went away and now I feel nothing at all.
For a year I’ve been training and working out and running, but at all times there is this nagging voice in my head, asking me why I’m doing this, because I’m all alone anyway.
A few times a week I visit the chat, talk for like a minute and leave, because it makes me uncomfortable to talk to people.
I always feel like an outsider, interrupting the actual conversation.
Still in contact with that girl I like, but she’s obviously moving away from me more and more.
Sometimes we talk and she just leaves mid-conversation without a word, just to be all over me the next day, talking about us meeting up later this year, buying me gifts and joking about moving in together.
I’m 26 damn years old and I’m so confused, feel like a little kid.
She is so amazing and I like her so much, but she is always just out of reach.
And at the end of the day she is the only one I got left.
It would be funny, if it weren’t so pathetic.
Reading through this thread there are people with actual problems, and here I am, whining and feeling sorry for myself.
I just don’t know what to do anymore, how to feel, how to look at myself as a person.
Looking in the mirror I have no idea who that person is, sometimes.
That dude looks tired and uninviting and sad and he shouldn’t be.
I don’t know why, but this person just doesn’t feel anything when good things happen and bad things crush him every time.
I’m just rambling at this point, so I’ll stop.
Just needed to get it off my chest.
Let me end with a quote of my favorite movie of all time, because I’m a pretentious hack:
“Even though I’m worse, worse even than an animal, don’t I, too, have the right to live?”June 11, 2016 at 4:16 pm #160081
@hrotgarmr As someone who has been “gone” for a bit too, that first paragraph is nearly verbatim what I tried to put down a few days ago when I attmpted to post myself before it became some crazy manifesto of all my problems and emotions. The main reason I came back is because reading through your new post, I can’t help but draw multiple parallels to many things that I go through.
First and foremost, I want to say that I’m happy to hear that you got into a new, healthier workplace environment. However, I am currently going back to review your older posts to make sure I have accurate info so I know how to proceed. Annd…done. I have read them before but just making sure I have all the details. the reason is that numbness and that disconnection with motivation it something very common in those who are depressed. It is something I experience often and have been struggling with myself lately. The big bad question of “Why does this even matter?” It’s an apathy that can consume us. If there is one thing that I have become self assured in, it is doing things for my own sake. It is understandable with all of the problems you have gone through that the idea that you are putting all of this work and time into getting fit and trim is wasted if you are still alone. But every bit of weight you shed and every hour your spend bettering yourself is, in the end, for you. It is your life that you are prolonging and your body. If there is anything that you should feel towards it, it is a sense of pride that you are doing a difficult thing that is going to make you healthier. It is going to be hard to accept that line of thinking but no matter if you are single, in a relationship, have dozens of friends , have one friend, or are literally attached at the hip to a Capuchin Monkey, is that it is your body and that is why you are doing it. If you need and answer to why are you still doing it or why is it important, that is why. It can be hard to tell that asshole voice in your head to shut the fuck up but it is a bully and it is hurting you. As for the chat, you are not the only one who does that. I do it too. Mostly because I personally feel like every time I talk, I make an ass out of myself. It is hard to stop feeling the part of the outsider. I just want to say you are not alone in it. I even got some advice while working in the minecraft server to try out the VGA Discord chat and that felt even worse. You ARE NOT pathetic. You are a human feeling insecurities and anxieties that can be hard to cope with.
As for this girl, I don’t wish to insert myself too far. Mainly just because I am going off limited information from what you have told us. From your latest account and from your previous posts, it sounds like she is manipulating you. I am so sorry to say that. I know you feel for her, but the way she acts is not healthy for you. She has you “on the hook”. I mean I am just an outsider and I don’t want to hurt you by saying these things but I guess I can understand… If she is the only “real world” person you feel close to, I understand. I’m trying to be empathetic an trying to leave judgement out, but where is that line when it sounds like it is hurting you. And it is confusing, not matter the age because it is. She pushes away and pulls back closer. In the end, it is leaving you mentally bruised.
And problems are problems. None less real than any other. I think I have said it before, but just because someone else’s pain seems more “real”, it doesn’t decrease that intensity of your own. How can you help someone if you can’t get help? You are allowed. Thinking JUST NOW, I may be the worst person to give you advice, seeing as I am going through the same things as well. The person in the mirror is…she isn’t me. She has no ambition that she had and the kindness that she used to value is waning.
Okay, so, I feel as though I have ranted myself, maybe in trying to help you I super imposed my own problems. Anyway, as a fellow “twentysomething”(I hate that term ick), I’m realizing that we have hardly lived enough to understand. While we have physically and intellectually matured to adulthood, it doesn’t make the world any clearer or it any less difficult to live in. We are still children in our own way. We are told to have this shit figured out but we have barely started and all this pressure to move beyond what we can makes it all the worse. And if you makes you feel any better I’ll leave with a quote too. I was going to do it a few days ago so. Hello pretentious hack! I’m pretentious bitch. Nice to meet you.
“The hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave.”June 11, 2016 at 4:43 pm #160082
@hrotgarmr @jesslb429 All I can say is how much I love you guys. I’m, impressed I guess? That you would write all this. I can assure you, every time either of you are in chat, it really improves my mood. It’s always fun having you there. And what you’ve wrote here, they are actual problems. I’m sure everyone feels that, to a certain extent, that they’re whining and that what they’re having problems with doesn’t matter. And that only just makes things worse. You all matter so so much to me, it’s just ridiculous. We’ll all get through it, together. Pretentious quote #3!
“You’ve got a friend in me”June 11, 2016 at 6:50 pm #160087
Yes, that’s pretty much it.
Nothing I do or what’s happening to me ever feels good.
It’s all meaningless and grey until something bad happens and said bad thing always feels huge and horrible, even if it’s insignificant.
I got that new job, which should be great: I felt nothing.
I told one of my ex-coworkers about it, he didn’t care: it ruined my day.
And you are correct, I should do all of these things for me, to make me feel better.
The thing is, that I don’t care about myself as a person.
I’m not pretty, intelligent or even all that interesting.
To be frank, I’m not even that good of a person, did many shitty things in the past.
I didn’t start losing weight to make me feel better, but because I liked someone and wanted to impress her.
Didn’t work, obviously.
About what you said about Joy (that girl I like): I don’t think that’s the case.
I can see how it can look that way, but I don’t think that’s it.
Without saying too much (because it’s personal and I would be terrible for saying it), she has been through a lot herself, people did terrible, terrible things to her and she has her own share of mental issues.
I think she’s scared to let me in, to get close.
The last time she had a male friend he did things I don’t even wanna mention here, but I’m sure you can imagine.
So I understand why she acts the way she does, but it still confuses me, if that makes sense.
I don’t know.
Never have been all that popular with the ladies anyway, maybe I just don’t have the experience.
Will visit her in a few months, maybe that’ll clear some stuff up one way or another.
But hot damn, I haven’t been so smitten in over a decade.
May sound weird, but it feels good to hear I’m not alone.
It seems like you’re feeling some of the same things I do.
If it helps, maybe you can share the post from a few days ago.
We’re all friends here.
And I apologize for my english.
It’s not perfect on my best days and it’s nearly 4am, which probably doesn’t help.June 12, 2016 at 7:37 am #160111
@hrotgarmr Like I said, I am probably the worst person to be doling out advice right now. That be being said, it doesn’t always have to feel good what you are doing. For me, it almost never does. But there is some peace(is that the right word?) in the idea that you are doing it for you. Of course, my experiences are different than yours. It could be that the feeling I get from it are wildly different than yours.For me, I know that I am my own person, no matter how broken, and that my choices are for me. They are my own, good or bad. I do it for me. I’m not impressing anyone or trying to change for the world. If I dye my hair, go to a certain school, lose or gain weight, move a million miles away or stay perfectly still, it was for me. It may not always feel good but it was mine. I have control. But you are you. You do not have to feel anything you don’t want to and if something doesn’t work for you, that is you. Everyone works differently.
I’m glad I could help you feel a little better though. You definitely aren’t alone.
As for posting my post from a few days ago, I don’t mean that it is a tolerable crazy. I mean it is tinfoil hat crazy. My wisdom teeth were removed last Wednesday and I’m still having a lot issues from it so it was a combo of physical pain, emotional/mental pain, and being exhausted. I’m going through a bunch of stuff and maybe I’ll post about it later but right now it’s just too much to unload here. And don’t worry about your English. I’m a native speaker, have a degree in English and there are still time I find myself wondering what the hell. You did fine :)
@radladdy, you were one of the first friends I made here so *hugs* You rock!
PS I came in later and deleted a bunch of stuff. It wasn’t really important stuff just thought I would be honest.
June 14, 2016 at 4:09 pm #160252
- This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by Jesslb429.
Yeah, I understand.
You are probably right.
As hard as it is, sitting here in my own garbage, feeling sorry for myself, doesn’t solve a single thing.
The hardest thing is: You keep thinking that you’ll be happy when other people like you.
But they won’t like you when it’s obvious you don’t like yourself.
Friendship sadly is very much about advertising yourself to others.
Nobody wants a sad, hopeless slob of a dude as a friend.
Also: Stop saying you are a bad person to give advice, because it’s obvious you’re not.
This forum is not the perfect place to talk about stuff, especially since it’s an open part of the community, everyone can read it.
But I think it sometimes helps just to get all the shit out there, you know?
So don’t put yourself down. The fact that someone cares enough to reply at all helps me out.
And don’t feel pressured to say anything.
Nobody has to say anything, if he/she doesn’t want to.
I hope VGA will always have a community that makes everyone feel safe.June 15, 2016 at 5:35 pm #160331
@hrotgarmr Yeah, I think no one expects perfect counseling in here – just a voice to listen and help assure us we’re okay. :) Everyone’s advice is totally helpful. I’m grateful for this community too.
And I think people DO want that person as a friend. Sure, I know from experience that refusing help and continuing in that rut makes people go away, but I have been that type of person so many times I’m embarrassed but my friends want to help me get better. If they’re truly your friends they’ll do the same for you. :)June 15, 2016 at 11:47 pm #160335
@hrotgarmr You did bad things–in the past. Past is always key. Everyone’s done terrible things in their past, not to diminish your bad things. But it’s not now or tomorrow. It is the past.
You did lose weight for yourself. You like this girl, so you lost weight for her. In *your* desire to be loved, you made the decision for yourself to lose weight to become more desirable so that you could obtain something you desired. That is evidence that you care about yourself. Maybe less so on the physical, but at least emotionally. That’s a start.
I don’t use profanity as a personal choice. Take this with more than a grain of salt. Fuck advertising yourself. It is not your job or responsibility for other people to care about you enough to be friends with you. That is their decision and is not a reflection on you as a human. Yeah, people don’t always want to be around a downer. We are all victims and perpetrators of this. Every single person out there is a hypocrite in that regard. People won’t always be there when you’re miserable. If no one will take notice and show any sort of kindness towards you, that is once again on them.
Not telling you how to feel. If you read that back, it is what you have said on here with a different perspective that doesn’t betray how you are feeling.
As for the girl, I have no idea. Not enough information, you know her best. Trust your instincts.June 15, 2016 at 11:53 pm #160338
The suicidal thoughts come and go. They were bad tonight for two hours. I Beautiful Mind’ed them as usual. That is the most I can do. And keep trying, obviously. Been having nightmares. Not about the bad thing, just nightmares about other potential situations. Everything can and will be fine. I damn well demand it to be.
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