Dealing with stress/depression/anxiety; We're here for you

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  • #155810


    Since becoming a Turbo last September my life has dramatically improved. I’ve met so many fantastic people that I can’t wait to meet one day. I’ve also seen people with a variety of issues, some of whom I’ve had the fortune to talk to and support. Whatever you may be dealing with, be it depression, suicidal thoughts, or just stress, I wanted to make this thread to give people an outlet to talk about these things. A common theme I’ve seen is Turbos thinking they don’t matter to this community. Now this thread isn’t to group all these issues together just with a simple “Get Well” message every now and then. Everyone’s problems matter and I want to be there to help everyone dealing with this. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk if we’re having trouble, nor should we think that our problems are stupid. Everyone needs something different, but I just want people to know that me and hopefully other Turbos are here for you. I’ve got problems myself, but this community and more specifically this thread are helping me deal with them. Other turbos have supported me and the intention of this thread is to talk it through, before it’s too late. You’re not alone.

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    Ever feel like everything you’re doing is all for nothing? Putting in every ounce of your being and still you end up the outsider. You’ve fallen so many times before that you feel like you’re stronger than you once were, when in actuality you’re as fragile as ever. You’ll make plans and others will make different ones, you’ll succeed yet be ignored. You can confidently say that there are people that care about you while at the same time you’ve never been more aware of your loneliness. The littlest thing a reminder of your inescapable futility. To you there’s solace in your reality of being a part of something, being a package deal, but then it’s made blaringly obvious that others see otherwise. People think they understand you, so they leave you to frolic in your own self-pity, assuming that everything will be ok. There’s a feeling that you’ll never really be part of everything else, that people will always assume little of you; they expect little and give little in return. Even when you’re shouting and screaming, crying, banging on the door, pleading to be let out as the room grows smaller and smaller, still the door remains locked, and eventually the screams stop.



    *hugs Raddy*

    Yeah… Well sort of. A bit different.

    Here’s the thing I wrote… I think two days ago, but decided I didn’t feel like sharing anywhere. I don’t know if it’ll help just to know that other people rush to put up sand bags and then have to go into a similar attic to escape a similar (if sometimes brief/minor) deluge, but here.

    “ever have one of those decades where you realize you don’t fit in? … you’ll never fit in?… anywhere or with anyone? … not because you’re just that special or smart or anything. you just don’t… you just don’t get it. you don’t know where to start and you don’t even want to fight for it. you want something impossible the easy way, so you stop… that’s not to say trying would get you there, or something. i don’t have a hopeful twist for ya. it’s… i don’t know.

    It’s one of those decades.”

    Anyway, it probably won’t help, either, but it might be worth mentioning the scope and scale of somewhat necessary selfishness. Getting super involved, mentally, trying to figure shit out is hard, and it’s thought that could go elsewhere. And then what about getting stuck in it? It only makes sense to limit that shit a little, if you can. So basically, assume that’s the normal default… Curiosity, maybe a little concern, and then “Nope. Can’t be dealing with it, if I don’t even know what’s going on. They can always just tell me if they wanna talk, or somethin’.”

    It’s really hard to know when it’s best to share or query, (and impossible to know when to mentally walk away before it’s an obvious choice) but as a problematic simmerer, I think it’s worth noting that there’s a weird strain of selfishness in that too. I think I can figure other people out? Seriously? That’s absurd! Then, by obsessing over it, I put myself in a state where I’m hardly approachable… Not that I would be rude, or anything, but I’m pretty sure it actually reads as standoffish. That’s just me, though. I don’t know if any of these half thought-out observations will help you with your stuff, and hey… I don’t really know what your stuff is. I have a vague shape of some sticky-outey bits you’ve talked about, but of course I’ll never fully get it. That’s why I think it’s actually not that selfish of “normal” people to wait on the side of the rink or field or whatever. Motivation aside, maybe it’s actually more effective, that way. Of course, feel free to substitute me in, but if you need more sportsball metaphors, you might wanna ask someone else. :-p



    Welp, it finally happened. My brother (who has a combination of Aspergers (Hypersensitivity to sounds) and Intermittet Explosive Disorder (anger issues)) finally snapped and crossed the line we call domestic violence. We had to call the police, and he has been arrested and taken to jail where we’ll be finally able to send him off to get mental health assistance (as he’s an adult so the only way for him to get help is if he went to get it, but he’s in constant denial, believing everything that is wrong is with those around him.) I’m bleeding from where he ripped my skin on my right hand (still hasn’t stopped at the time of this writing even after around three hours, screw you Hemophilia) and a bruised elbow from where he whacked me with a flashlight. I always saw this day as something inevitable, as our relationship was essentially either I would kill him in self defense with a cricket bat, or he would kill me in the middle of the night with a knife. On one hand I’m glad this day finally happened, when tensions that have been boiling finally spill over that would end either in my death, his death, or him getting mental help finally, but at the same time it leaves this horrible feeling. I’ve made sure to never post in this thread before (as I already meet with a therapist for mental health issues and there are those who definitely need the support of this community more than I do) but today, I just needed to get this off my chest.



    @fatecreator I’m really sorry you had to go through that Fate. By all means, I completely understand you wanting to get that off your chest. It’s not something that just happens and you deal with, I can only imagine how much it sticks with you, especially with you seeing it coming any day or the next. It’s not something you can just ignore. You are right that it is good (in the loosest sense) that it has happened and that it could have been much worse, but it wasn’t and you were able to control the situation. Hopefully your brother will be able to get the help that he needs now, and that will set your mind at ease. Best of luck to both you and your brother.


    I want to say thank you. Thank you to all of the Turbos, the best group of friends someone could ask for. Not to show any favoritism, but the Crazy Movie Night Crowd and those I met at Pax South are pretty cool. Now for the dark part, and it does get dark the faint of heart might want to turn back.

    This past year has been rough. One year ago today, it was a dark and stormy night. The storms has started about 8pm and even involved a tornado warning in my area for a brief period of time. At 3:50am I was at work (the same ambulance service I work for now). A little over 4 hours left in my shift (we get to sleep from 10pm to 7am unless we have a call). I was suddenly brought to a wide awake state by a horrible gut feeling. Something had happened, something wasn’t right in the world, and mind wanted me ready. A few minutes went by of my mind racing, I kept coming back to the same thought, someone I know needs help. Then we were paged to an auto vs pedestrian accident. We were told the pedestrian did not have a heart beat. The whole way to the scene I’m preparing for a mess of a call, but I can’t get this feeling that its someone I know out of my mind. When we arrived on scene I noted a vehicle I knew, someone from the fire department I volunteer with. Someone I have known as long as I can remember, I knew he would have my back and help in any and every way. When I got out of the ambulance I found out what my gut had been warning me about. What was wrong in the world. My patient was him, this guy that had known me since I was born, someone my Dad went to high school with. He had been out for the fire department, clearing roadways of fallen trees, barricading flood roadways, and other weather related calls when the accident happened. Time seemed to come to a complete stop, the world was so quiet. I could feel the rain still falling, but no sound seemed to come with it, no ringing, no hum of vehicles… nothing. In an instant my mind raced with everything I needed to do, everything I wanted to do. I know it was only an instant, because for what seemed like minutes no one moved, lights quit flashing, the rain seem to freeze mid air. I just wanted to wake up from this bad dream I seemed to find myself in, I still want to wake to find it was a nightmare. I did everything, but…he was gone. Nothing that I did, or the hospital did was able to bring him back.

    Its been a year now, I hate the sound of rain now, driving that stretch of road when its dark, sometimes our dispatch times… make me still see all of it, in vivid detail. It feel like it all just happened yesterday, but at the same time it feels like an eternity has passed. Most everyone I’ve talked to that new him all woke up about the same time as me, with the same gut wrenching I’ve talking with very few people to this detail.

    Some of those I met at Pax South, I had mentioned one of my main reasons for going was a bit of vacation after a difficult year. This was the cause. Throughout school, I wasn’t the most social person. I find making friends very difficult. But when I met two Turbos at the lego table, and we made some Turbo Buddies together. I knew I would fit. I would hang out with those two and many other for the rest of the weekend. For a weekend, all of my worries… my demons, didn’t plague me. I had the most fun I have had in a while. I meet so many people I’m proud to call my friends, I learned truly how friendly Fraser and Becky are, getting hugs the moment they met me for the first time (had to convince Fraser I hadn’t met him before, which was kinda fun). We drank (my kidneys were very glad to come home), we ate great food, we enjoyed the times. I don’t know where I would be today with out all of you. The Turbo Club has been my confidence boosting group of friends since I joined back in 2014. Every time life hands me lemons, yall have been there to help me make that lemonade.

    So thank you, all of you so very much.



    @bulldogarcher I’m glad you decided to take the time to post this. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and how much it’s affecting you now. I hope it helped to be able to write it out. :) You know I’m here whenever you need to talk or vent. I’m so glad to have met you. If it means anything, you and movie chat are also the best thing that have happened to me in a long time. Being able to call you a friend is such an honor. Sending good thoughts your way.



    @bulldogarcher Hey Bulldog, I’m really glad that we’ve been here for ya. I know it must have been hard to recount all that but I appreciate that you did. Coping can be difficult sometimes it’s true, but we’re always here to help you with it no matter what. You’re incredible bud. You’re an awesome part of this community, and honestly, just thank you for existing.

    PAX South was a wonderful time. Same as you, I’m not a very sociable person. Sometimes I wish I was so I could connect with people better. I don’t really have anyone around me who I could call a friend and see on a day to day basis. At PAX, I felt like I could be myself and that there were people that appreciated me even just a little bit. Drinking, singing, and shivering til hours late with TURBOs will always remain as precious moments in my mind. I’d say it’s a break from reality, but it’s the most “real” I’ve ever felt. These 2 PAXes prior have been instrumental in getting a grip on the thoughts in my head. I would be much worse off nowadays without you and every other Turbo.



    @fatecreator Jesus. I hope he’s getting the help he needs, and you too after this experience.

    @bulldogarcher So sorry to hear that, must be awful to have those calls in the job anyway, let alone it being someone you know. So glad you recently found relief and fun at PAX with Fraser, Becky, and the Turbos. I’m yet to go to any Turbo/VGA meet but know they’re an amazing bunch.


    So I’ve been at it with the Online Dating again (Not looking for long term like I thought I wanted when I was with Ivy) and I had someone block me from messaging them this evening. I said the usual “Hi I’m so and so how are you” with mention of a common interest we both shared. Not a minute goes by and this girl blocks me from messaging her anymore. I’ve known for a while now that most of the time online dating makes no sense. This one however it really got me wondering if I’m maybe hideous to look at seeing how in like 3 years of trying to find someone this way I’ve only had two girls that I got to the point of it being boyfriend girlfriend. I just want to find someone to go on some dates with this summer and if there’s romance that comes from it then that’s cool too. But after this I really am wondering why I should even bother at this point given I have adventures I’m planning for the future (Japan and VGA Con) and would it work out if I was in a relationship again given how Ivy ended up having no time for that sort of thing.

    Anyway I hope all of you are well and having a great sex lif….I mean summer!



    @deathbyblunderbuss It’s not my field in so many ways, but if it helps, you seemed to have a pretty cool look, when I’ve seen you at meetups. The hat might skew things, though, so in sensational Stereotypeovision, I just assume (purely in jest) that you’re a largely good, occasional hacker, who had a close call in high school, but learned from the experience and now keeps things working more than breaking them. I don’t know what normal people ascribe to types of looks, but it might be worth making sure that you loosely fit whatever look is appropriate, if you have a niche of people you wanna date. I think that’s what the kids are doing. (have always been doing) Of course it narrows things down, but I think that’s just the deal.

    As for her blocking you, my Alice Advice (TM, jk) is that you shouldn’t assume you’re the “problem”. There could be something specific, like looking a bit like a shitty ex, or summat, or she might just not be interested enough, and after having a guy (or multiple guys) throw a fit when she was honest and forthcoming like human times, she just decided to block any guy she didn’t like, but got a message from. It’s not unheard of. It’s fucking lame, on both ends, but I definitely blame those shit-sock guys far more. The overreaction still feels like a cold, almost psychopathic android response, in close view, but it’s understandable, zoomed out a bit. I don’t know that it is this, for sure, but it very well could be… or some other thing among countless others that doesn’t really reflect on you.

    But then, it’s the camel and the bit that isn’t tasty wheat for humans, isn’t it? You could always take a break, or pare back online dating for a while, if it helps, but I very much understand the frustration. I deleted the last online dating account, a few months ago, after giving it a fresh go, but it’s still deeply frustrating. It gets to a point where it feels like a massive Vegas casino, and unlike the relatively simple appeal of getting more money, you’re shuffling around chips that have ultimate meaning. They’re real people with real lives, and it feels like licking a luke-warm bowl of plague sores, to keep calling and raising and folding. And then there’s the din of silence… ya convince yourself it’s not as disgusting as it feels to judge, and then you’re reminded fresh, every morning, that you are alone and should expect no change… And it feels like being scolded, told that you deserve it, and that this is your life. It REEEEALLY doesn’t help that all the sites/apps have scummy pay-to-win monetization. In many ways, I imagine EA looks at online dating and just fuckin’ salivates. EA couldn’t even get away with this trash. Ya put it into context, and it really is disgusting. This is why I decided it wasn’t for me. The rest is unfortunate, but having to pay to confirm whether a like is from a spam-bot is unacceptable, in my opinion.

    Hopefully, it’s not that depressing for you, but if you have to take a break, maybe you can shift toward doing something fun, and meeting folks like human beings. For shorter-term stuff, I guess that’s the point of bars and clubs and what-forth? Frankly, I’m better off going back to fashion tips, if I’m up against finding the point of places where talking/hearing is illegal. (Although, the Inside No. 9 episode that was set in a nightclub/karaoke place was fucking brilliant, so…)

    Anyway, sorry for ranting back. I have a good bit of disgust for the inherent inhuman nature of online dating as a thing, but it’s the predatory monetization that really puts the nail in the coffer, for me.

    It sounds like you might just need a bit of an emotional break from it, but that’s just a guess. Either way, I hope it gets better, dude. Hang in there… or something like that.

    (I have the strongest and strangest feeling of deja vu, N(re)-scanning this… I might’ve already had this conversation, not once but twice. I’ll have to look back through the past pages, and then give up and watch part of a particular Python episode… Okay, I looked, but I didn’t see it… I swear to all the Shittingtons, if you say, “Maybe we did talk about it. It does sound sort of familiar.” I’m gonna lose all the new bananas I bought!)


    I can’t do this anymore guys. I don’t believe in suicide as an answer to my problems but I’ve hit my mental rock bottom multiple times since I returned from Maine. I try to get help for myself by seeing someone for counseling and to set up to have mental health evaluation done and then probably whatever negative shit in my brain makes me want to give up before even trying. I just feel all the pressure of being an adult: My job, paying for a new Jeep I leased by myself last month, being a disappointment to my parents because I’m 33 and still living with them even with paying monthly rent. I can’t break down entirely because I don’t know how to do that, and even if I did the guilt of burdening people with my problems would stop me. I just want to feel normal for one day but all I feel is mostly anger over every little stupid thing that happens to me or totally drained emotionally from depression I’ve been dealing with my entire adult life. I can’t do this anymore and I don’t know how to fix myself after trying for so long.



    @deathbyblunderbuss That’s really tough, dude. Depression can be a real slog through tarry mud, but it isn’t impossible. You took the first step, and that’s actually really good, but then you hit something that’s apparently so normal a part of it, that I think it’s in the, sort of… standard procedure, to mention it, early on. It’s like the M.O. of depression is also the easiest, most effective way to block/put off treatment of it… Bastard thing!

    But please keep at it. It takes time. If you fall off, please try to realize it’s silly to sit there, going, “I fell off! Of course I did… what a jackass!” It’d be weirder not to, actually, but if you can catch yourself, realize it’s silly, and then start getting back on, instead, that time wasn’t wasted.

    Also, if you give it your time and effort, and you feel like you’re not making the progress you should be making, that’s something that I suspect actually should be brought up. Politely, of course, (Although, I really don’t see you being confrontational about it) but saying nothing, and feeling like you’re going nowhere can’t be good for progress.

    As for, “being a disappointment” well, it’s understandable why you feel like that. Thanks to various societal expectations, and probably other stuff, the feeling, itself, is valid, but I think it’s a pretty safe bet that it’s also unfounded. I don’t know your parents, but if I had to guess, I’d guess that they want to help you, they wish you had a better option, and they wish things were working out better. Again, I don’t know them or their history, but there’s every chance they’ve had shitty lows too, where they felt like a disappointment. The thing is to realize that, just because they want more and better for you, doesn’t mean they’re disappointed. I know that a feeling won’t disappear like an evil wizard in a cloud of SFX smoke, just because another person called its bluff, but yeah…

    I don’t know who and what is available to you, and to what extent, but in the case of loved ones and other close people, if you’re putting off “burdening” them now, thinking, “I definitely can’t have a proper breakdown, because I don’t want to burden people.” maybe you should allow yourself to do some “burdening” so it doesn’t have to come to a full breakdown. That IS part of what one’s close network is for. For the same reason that society, at large, benefits from safety nets like decently implemented universal health care, smaller sections of it, (and by extension, the whole) benefit from helping others deal with stuff, even right down to the mundane, like potential arguments about buying the wrong kind of bananas. Yes, the little red ones are way more expensive, but does it really need to be a full-blown argument?

    I’d argue, (and feel free to quote me back to myself when, inevitably, the hypocrisy is upon us) that the burdensome thing is to not make use of those social connections… to let things be more and worse, by way of avoiding the “burdening”. I’d argue that, even if it feels fundamentally untrue, at this moment in time, you are a bloody valuable addition to people’s lives, and that they want to help you however they can, because you mean a hell of a lot to them… not thinking of the social ramifications of helping others, either. It’s a feature which is obscured during function.

    But please, keep chipping away with professional help, being an advocate for yourself if you need to, and please believe me, that getting/accepting help/support/hugs/nice thoughts from people who love you is not burdensome. It’s the right thing to do.


    Thanks. I took medical leave today from work. They offered up to a month but I think it’ll be 2 weeks tops.



    Ah, that’s good! It seems like you’re taking some good steps for yourself, dude.

    Everybody operates differently, but if you find yourself needing some random dumb idea for something to do, I’m happy to have a think on it. Frankly, I probably should, anyway. It helps to have one-off options. That’s basically what the whole arts-n-crafts industry is built on. lol



    So, uhh… some things, like…

    Well, first of all, I’ve started going to someone from one of the psych professions, because I’d like to get my life back. I’ve let my OCD and Tourette’s and that occupy more and more of my metaphorical floor-space like the clutter which literally does so. I’ve done a few little things, myself, but when balancing and pacing it all out, it’s far too easy to slide back to a low-numbered square. All that… IS good. I know it is… but very recently, I’ve had two or three reminders, in a row, how far I have left to go, and how much soft but real credence has been given to my normal self loathing by the state of play, in my mind.

    First, my mom came to my apartment, because I hadn’t yet made it to her house for a planned day-trip to the city. She knocked on the door, and my world just sort of started crumbling. As usual, once I realized how true this was, It was gone… as usual. I sprayed the door, wall, and deck, as best as I could, but the shouting and obscenity came, the tensing of muscles came, and the pain so did.

    Again, yesterday… I went to do laundry, eat pizza, pet dogs, and watch Netflix, at my mom’s house. I forgot to start my laundry, because she’d forgotten to start hers in the dryer. Then, she was trying to get me to eat one of the pomegranates from the pomegranate tree, but she touched the best one to test it. After a while, I went to test it, forgetting how important it was that I not break my own rules about not touching a thing she recently touched. Of course, it was like I’d fondled a prolapsed rectum. I should have known better, but I forgot. I did what I could, washing the hand, dousing it repeatedly with the diluted rubbing alcohol, then the full 95%, scraping the palm of my hand with my fingernails, for the physical feedback. It never quite went away. So when something else came up, I started to fall apart again. Over the years, I’ve fought back against the simpler instincts to hit inanimate objects, instead, getting to the core of it. Now, at these worst times, besides the special genuine imperative to shout random profanity, I’ll tense my muscles, slap or hit my head, and make abrupt, small jerky motions. The drive appears to be the same… perhaps to feel some physical pain, instead, but chiefly to contain the explosion as much as possible, hurting only the person I’m okay with hurting… or at least trying to.

    But then, that’s the problem, isn’t it. I mean, skipping over the obvious issues with such a delineation, the fact that I wouldn’t physically hurt someone else or even intend to emotionally hurt someone else isn’t enough. That’s where I am, but that isn’t enough for me. Today, my downstairs neighbor’s boyfriend asked me if I was a gamer. As became clear, in further conversation, this inquiry almost certainly pertains to my shouting of (chiefly) profanities. By framing it this way, he was likely giving me a social out, while sub-textually requesting some improvement be made.

    And here’s the problem. I’m glad he let me know. In fact, this really just confirms my fears on the matter… but that’s the thing. When I say, “fears on the matter” that’s precisely what I mean… perhaps not a Jason at my rich douchey friend’s parents’ summer cabin window, or a creepy old Transylvanian gentleman inviting me in, and commenting on his predilection for… not wine, but not too too far removed. I know my rampage would never be a bloody tear through the streets of London or Paris, but this…? This is enough. This is too much. This is what I feared. The thought of causing her enough stress that she’d mention it to him, and quite possibly ask him to mention it to me, is beyond what I find acceptable of myself.

    Now, I told him the truth, because I’m quite open about my issues, and it took a little bit to piece things together, anyway… What I’m afraid might be true, because she’s said very little to me, other than basic pleasantries, is that she’s frightened by this. Put out or annoyed is enough. That’s bad enough, and warrants effort to change, but if she’s scared… well, it’s crushing, really. I’m welling up, thinking about it to tap it out, here. I mean, to picture, hypothetically, a positive, if this sort of thing is the rhythmic drum to speed the feet of intention, dragging lethargy’s stolen horde behind, there may at least be a shimmery outer casing. I would certainly give it more thought first, but I do have to wonder if it would be worth explaining the truth to her, and explaining that I do understand the potential deeper problem, beyond annoyance, that I am sorry, and that I am working to improve things. I suspect the answer is probably no, especially given the fact that (I suspect) she asked him to have the conversation. I can’t expect the world to be as simple as that, and part of the natural complexity, perhaps, is in the fact that one person’s simplicity might be another’s cluster-fuck. I don’t know. I’ll leave this here, anyway.

    Oh, and specifically, at this point with stuff, I’ve got several relaxation things to practice and use, and I need to start listing and ranking stressful things for aversion therapy. Like I said, I want to get my life back. I also want to start a flossing habit… don’t really know why the hell that feels more daunting from here.


    So The medication I’ve been taking for a month has only masked deeply rooted problems I still have. When the fuck does this shit end? I’m fucking tired of always coming back to square one in regards to my mental health. And on top of it I have like $2000 in medical bills I have to deal with now.

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