Dealing with stress/depression/anxiety; We're here for you

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  • #155810

    RadLaddy
    Member

    Since becoming a Turbo last September my life has dramatically improved. I’ve met so many fantastic people that I can’t wait to meet one day. I’ve also seen people with a variety of issues, some of whom I’ve had the fortune to talk to and support. Whatever you may be dealing with, be it depression, suicidal thoughts, or just stress, I wanted to make this thread to give people an outlet to talk about these things. A common theme I’ve seen is Turbos thinking they don’t matter to this community. Now this thread isn’t to group all these issues together just with a simple “Get Well” message every now and then. Everyone’s problems matter and I want to be there to help everyone dealing with this. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk if we’re having trouble, nor should we think that our problems are stupid. Everyone needs something different, but I just want people to know that me and hopefully other Turbos are here for you. I’ve got problems myself, but this community and more specifically this thread are helping me deal with them. Other turbos have supported me and the intention of this thread is to talk it through, before it’s too late. You’re not alone.

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Viewing 22 replies - 481 through 502 (of 502 total)
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  • #171851

    RadLaddy
    Member

    Ever feel like everything you’re doing is all for nothing? Putting in every ounce of your being and still you end up the outsider. You’ve fallen so many times before that you feel like you’re stronger than you once were, when in actuality you’re as fragile as ever. You’ll make plans and others will make different ones, you’ll succeed yet be ignored. You can confidently say that there are people that care about you while at the same time you’ve never been more aware of your loneliness. The littlest thing a reminder of your inescapable futility. To you there’s solace in your reality of being a part of something, being a package deal, but then it’s made blaringly obvious that others see otherwise. People think they understand you, so they leave you to frolic in your own self-pity, assuming that everything will be ok. There’s a feeling that you’ll never really be part of everything else, that people will always assume little of you; they expect little and give little in return. Even when you’re shouting and screaming, crying, banging on the door, pleading to be let out as the room grows smaller and smaller, still the door remains locked, and eventually the screams stop.

    #171852

    neonte13
    Member

    *hugs Raddy*

    Yeah… Well sort of. A bit different.

    Here’s the thing I wrote… I think two days ago, but decided I didn’t feel like sharing anywhere. I don’t know if it’ll help just to know that other people rush to put up sand bags and then have to go into a similar attic to escape a similar (if sometimes brief/minor) deluge, but here.

    “ever have one of those decades where you realize you don’t fit in? … you’ll never fit in?… anywhere or with anyone? … not because you’re just that special or smart or anything. you just don’t… you just don’t get it. you don’t know where to start and you don’t even want to fight for it. you want something impossible the easy way, so you stop… that’s not to say trying would get you there, or something. i don’t have a hopeful twist for ya. it’s… i don’t know.

    It’s one of those decades.”

    Anyway, it probably won’t help, either, but it might be worth mentioning the scope and scale of somewhat necessary selfishness. Getting super involved, mentally, trying to figure shit out is hard, and it’s thought that could go elsewhere. And then what about getting stuck in it? It only makes sense to limit that shit a little, if you can. So basically, assume that’s the normal default… Curiosity, maybe a little concern, and then “Nope. Can’t be dealing with it, if I don’t even know what’s going on. They can always just tell me if they wanna talk, or somethin’.”

    It’s really hard to know when it’s best to share or query, (and impossible to know when to mentally walk away before it’s an obvious choice) but as a problematic simmerer, I think it’s worth noting that there’s a weird strain of selfishness in that too. I think I can figure other people out? Seriously? That’s absurd! Then, by obsessing over it, I put myself in a state where I’m hardly approachable… Not that I would be rude, or anything, but I’m pretty sure it actually reads as standoffish. That’s just me, though. I don’t know if any of these half thought-out observations will help you with your stuff, and hey… I don’t really know what your stuff is. I have a vague shape of some sticky-outey bits you’ve talked about, but of course I’ll never fully get it. That’s why I think it’s actually not that selfish of “normal” people to wait on the side of the rink or field or whatever. Motivation aside, maybe it’s actually more effective, that way. Of course, feel free to substitute me in, but if you need more sportsball metaphors, you might wanna ask someone else. :-p

    #172040

    FATECreator
    Member

    Welp, it finally happened. My brother (who has a combination of Aspergers (Hypersensitivity to sounds) and Intermittet Explosive Disorder (anger issues)) finally snapped and crossed the line we call domestic violence. We had to call the police, and he has been arrested and taken to jail where we’ll be finally able to send him off to get mental health assistance (as he’s an adult so the only way for him to get help is if he went to get it, but he’s in constant denial, believing everything that is wrong is with those around him.) I’m bleeding from where he ripped my skin on my right hand (still hasn’t stopped at the time of this writing even after around three hours, screw you Hemophilia) and a bruised elbow from where he whacked me with a flashlight. I always saw this day as something inevitable, as our relationship was essentially either I would kill him in self defense with a cricket bat, or he would kill me in the middle of the night with a knife. On one hand I’m glad this day finally happened, when tensions that have been boiling finally spill over that would end either in my death, his death, or him getting mental help finally, but at the same time it leaves this horrible feeling. I’ve made sure to never post in this thread before (as I already meet with a therapist for mental health issues and there are those who definitely need the support of this community more than I do) but today, I just needed to get this off my chest.

    #172041

    RadLaddy
    Member

    @fatecreator I’m really sorry you had to go through that Fate. By all means, I completely understand you wanting to get that off your chest. It’s not something that just happens and you deal with, I can only imagine how much it sticks with you, especially with you seeing it coming any day or the next. It’s not something you can just ignore. You are right that it is good (in the loosest sense) that it has happened and that it could have been much worse, but it wasn’t and you were able to control the situation. Hopefully your brother will be able to get the help that he needs now, and that will set your mind at ease. Best of luck to both you and your brother.

    #172057

    I want to say thank you. Thank you to all of the Turbos, the best group of friends someone could ask for. Not to show any favoritism, but the Crazy Movie Night Crowd and those I met at Pax South are pretty cool. Now for the dark part, and it does get dark the faint of heart might want to turn back.

    This past year has been rough. One year ago today, it was a dark and stormy night. The storms has started about 8pm and even involved a tornado warning in my area for a brief period of time. At 3:50am I was at work (the same ambulance service I work for now). A little over 4 hours left in my shift (we get to sleep from 10pm to 7am unless we have a call). I was suddenly brought to a wide awake state by a horrible gut feeling. Something had happened, something wasn’t right in the world, and mind wanted me ready. A few minutes went by of my mind racing, I kept coming back to the same thought, someone I know needs help. Then we were paged to an auto vs pedestrian accident. We were told the pedestrian did not have a heart beat. The whole way to the scene I’m preparing for a mess of a call, but I can’t get this feeling that its someone I know out of my mind. When we arrived on scene I noted a vehicle I knew, someone from the fire department I volunteer with. Someone I have known as long as I can remember, I knew he would have my back and help in any and every way. When I got out of the ambulance I found out what my gut had been warning me about. What was wrong in the world. My patient was him, this guy that had known me since I was born, someone my Dad went to high school with. He had been out for the fire department, clearing roadways of fallen trees, barricading flood roadways, and other weather related calls when the accident happened. Time seemed to come to a complete stop, the world was so quiet. I could feel the rain still falling, but no sound seemed to come with it, no ringing, no hum of vehicles… nothing. In an instant my mind raced with everything I needed to do, everything I wanted to do. I know it was only an instant, because for what seemed like minutes no one moved, lights quit flashing, the rain seem to freeze mid air. I just wanted to wake up from this bad dream I seemed to find myself in, I still want to wake to find it was a nightmare. I did everything, but…he was gone. Nothing that I did, or the hospital did was able to bring him back.

    Its been a year now, I hate the sound of rain now, driving that stretch of road when its dark, sometimes our dispatch times… make me still see all of it, in vivid detail. It feel like it all just happened yesterday, but at the same time it feels like an eternity has passed. Most everyone I’ve talked to that new him all woke up about the same time as me, with the same gut wrenching I’ve talking with very few people to this detail.

    Some of those I met at Pax South, I had mentioned one of my main reasons for going was a bit of vacation after a difficult year. This was the cause. Throughout school, I wasn’t the most social person. I find making friends very difficult. But when I met two Turbos at the lego table, and we made some Turbo Buddies together. I knew I would fit. I would hang out with those two and many other for the rest of the weekend. For a weekend, all of my worries… my demons, didn’t plague me. I had the most fun I have had in a while. I meet so many people I’m proud to call my friends, I learned truly how friendly Fraser and Becky are, getting hugs the moment they met me for the first time (had to convince Fraser I hadn’t met him before, which was kinda fun). We drank (my kidneys were very glad to come home), we ate great food, we enjoyed the times. I don’t know where I would be today with out all of you. The Turbo Club has been my confidence boosting group of friends since I joined back in 2014. Every time life hands me lemons, yall have been there to help me make that lemonade.

    So thank you, all of you so very much.

    #172058

    Inevitable
    Member

    @bulldogarcher I’m glad you decided to take the time to post this. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and how much it’s affecting you now. I hope it helped to be able to write it out. :) You know I’m here whenever you need to talk or vent. I’m so glad to have met you. If it means anything, you and movie chat are also the best thing that have happened to me in a long time. Being able to call you a friend is such an honor. Sending good thoughts your way.

    #172059

    RadLaddy
    Member

    @bulldogarcher Hey Bulldog, I’m really glad that we’ve been here for ya. I know it must have been hard to recount all that but I appreciate that you did. Coping can be difficult sometimes it’s true, but we’re always here to help you with it no matter what. You’re incredible bud. You’re an awesome part of this community, and honestly, just thank you for existing.

    PAX South was a wonderful time. Same as you, I’m not a very sociable person. Sometimes I wish I was so I could connect with people better. I don’t really have anyone around me who I could call a friend and see on a day to day basis. At PAX, I felt like I could be myself and that there were people that appreciated me even just a little bit. Drinking, singing, and shivering til hours late with TURBOs will always remain as precious moments in my mind. I’d say it’s a break from reality, but it’s the most “real” I’ve ever felt. These 2 PAXes prior have been instrumental in getting a grip on the thoughts in my head. I would be much worse off nowadays without you and every other Turbo.

    #172079

    FistOfFiori
    Member

    @fatecreator Jesus. I hope he’s getting the help he needs, and you too after this experience.

    @bulldogarcher So sorry to hear that, must be awful to have those calls in the job anyway, let alone it being someone you know. So glad you recently found relief and fun at PAX with Fraser, Becky, and the Turbos. I’m yet to go to any Turbo/VGA meet but know they’re an amazing bunch.

    #172421

    So I’ve been at it with the Online Dating again (Not looking for long term like I thought I wanted when I was with Ivy) and I had someone block me from messaging them this evening. I said the usual “Hi I’m so and so how are you” with mention of a common interest we both shared. Not a minute goes by and this girl blocks me from messaging her anymore. I’ve known for a while now that most of the time online dating makes no sense. This one however it really got me wondering if I’m maybe hideous to look at seeing how in like 3 years of trying to find someone this way I’ve only had two girls that I got to the point of it being boyfriend girlfriend. I just want to find someone to go on some dates with this summer and if there’s romance that comes from it then that’s cool too. But after this I really am wondering why I should even bother at this point given I have adventures I’m planning for the future (Japan and VGA Con) and would it work out if I was in a relationship again given how Ivy ended up having no time for that sort of thing.

    Anyway I hope all of you are well and having a great sex lif….I mean summer!

    #172422

    neonte13
    Member

    @deathbyblunderbuss It’s not my field in so many ways, but if it helps, you seemed to have a pretty cool look, when I’ve seen you at meetups. The hat might skew things, though, so in sensational Stereotypeovision, I just assume (purely in jest) that you’re a largely good, occasional hacker, who had a close call in high school, but learned from the experience and now keeps things working more than breaking them. I don’t know what normal people ascribe to types of looks, but it might be worth making sure that you loosely fit whatever look is appropriate, if you have a niche of people you wanna date. I think that’s what the kids are doing. (have always been doing) Of course it narrows things down, but I think that’s just the deal.

    As for her blocking you, my Alice Advice (TM, jk) is that you shouldn’t assume you’re the “problem”. There could be something specific, like looking a bit like a shitty ex, or summat, or she might just not be interested enough, and after having a guy (or multiple guys) throw a fit when she was honest and forthcoming like human times, she just decided to block any guy she didn’t like, but got a message from. It’s not unheard of. It’s fucking lame, on both ends, but I definitely blame those shit-sock guys far more. The overreaction still feels like a cold, almost psychopathic android response, in close view, but it’s understandable, zoomed out a bit. I don’t know that it is this, for sure, but it very well could be… or some other thing among countless others that doesn’t really reflect on you.

    But then, it’s the camel and the bit that isn’t tasty wheat for humans, isn’t it? You could always take a break, or pare back online dating for a while, if it helps, but I very much understand the frustration. I deleted the last online dating account, a few months ago, after giving it a fresh go, but it’s still deeply frustrating. It gets to a point where it feels like a massive Vegas casino, and unlike the relatively simple appeal of getting more money, you’re shuffling around chips that have ultimate meaning. They’re real people with real lives, and it feels like licking a luke-warm bowl of plague sores, to keep calling and raising and folding. And then there’s the din of silence… ya convince yourself it’s not as disgusting as it feels to judge, and then you’re reminded fresh, every morning, that you are alone and should expect no change… And it feels like being scolded, told that you deserve it, and that this is your life. It REEEEALLY doesn’t help that all the sites/apps have scummy pay-to-win monetization. In many ways, I imagine EA looks at online dating and just fuckin’ salivates. EA couldn’t even get away with this trash. Ya put it into context, and it really is disgusting. This is why I decided it wasn’t for me. The rest is unfortunate, but having to pay to confirm whether a like is from a spam-bot is unacceptable, in my opinion.

    Hopefully, it’s not that depressing for you, but if you have to take a break, maybe you can shift toward doing something fun, and meeting folks like human beings. For shorter-term stuff, I guess that’s the point of bars and clubs and what-forth? Frankly, I’m better off going back to fashion tips, if I’m up against finding the point of places where talking/hearing is illegal. (Although, the Inside No. 9 episode that was set in a nightclub/karaoke place was fucking brilliant, so…)

    Anyway, sorry for ranting back. I have a good bit of disgust for the inherent inhuman nature of online dating as a thing, but it’s the predatory monetization that really puts the nail in the coffer, for me.

    It sounds like you might just need a bit of an emotional break from it, but that’s just a guess. Either way, I hope it gets better, dude. Hang in there… or something like that.

    (I have the strongest and strangest feeling of deja vu, N(re)-scanning this… I might’ve already had this conversation, not once but twice. I’ll have to look back through the past pages, and then give up and watch part of a particular Python episode… Okay, I looked, but I didn’t see it… I swear to all the Shittingtons, if you say, “Maybe we did talk about it. It does sound sort of familiar.” I’m gonna lose all the new bananas I bought!)

    #172749

    I can’t do this anymore guys. I don’t believe in suicide as an answer to my problems but I’ve hit my mental rock bottom multiple times since I returned from Maine. I try to get help for myself by seeing someone for counseling and to set up to have mental health evaluation done and then probably whatever negative shit in my brain makes me want to give up before even trying. I just feel all the pressure of being an adult: My job, paying for a new Jeep I leased by myself last month, being a disappointment to my parents because I’m 33 and still living with them even with paying monthly rent. I can’t break down entirely because I don’t know how to do that, and even if I did the guilt of burdening people with my problems would stop me. I just want to feel normal for one day but all I feel is mostly anger over every little stupid thing that happens to me or totally drained emotionally from depression I’ve been dealing with my entire adult life. I can’t do this anymore and I don’t know how to fix myself after trying for so long.

    #172751

    neonte13
    Member

    @deathbyblunderbuss That’s really tough, dude. Depression can be a real slog through tarry mud, but it isn’t impossible. You took the first step, and that’s actually really good, but then you hit something that’s apparently so normal a part of it, that I think it’s in the, sort of… standard procedure, to mention it, early on. It’s like the M.O. of depression is also the easiest, most effective way to block/put off treatment of it… Bastard thing!

    But please keep at it. It takes time. If you fall off, please try to realize it’s silly to sit there, going, “I fell off! Of course I did… what a jackass!” It’d be weirder not to, actually, but if you can catch yourself, realize it’s silly, and then start getting back on, instead, that time wasn’t wasted.

    Also, if you give it your time and effort, and you feel like you’re not making the progress you should be making, that’s something that I suspect actually should be brought up. Politely, of course, (Although, I really don’t see you being confrontational about it) but saying nothing, and feeling like you’re going nowhere can’t be good for progress.

    As for, “being a disappointment” well, it’s understandable why you feel like that. Thanks to various societal expectations, and probably other stuff, the feeling, itself, is valid, but I think it’s a pretty safe bet that it’s also unfounded. I don’t know your parents, but if I had to guess, I’d guess that they want to help you, they wish you had a better option, and they wish things were working out better. Again, I don’t know them or their history, but there’s every chance they’ve had shitty lows too, where they felt like a disappointment. The thing is to realize that, just because they want more and better for you, doesn’t mean they’re disappointed. I know that a feeling won’t disappear like an evil wizard in a cloud of SFX smoke, just because another person called its bluff, but yeah…

    I don’t know who and what is available to you, and to what extent, but in the case of loved ones and other close people, if you’re putting off “burdening” them now, thinking, “I definitely can’t have a proper breakdown, because I don’t want to burden people.” maybe you should allow yourself to do some “burdening” so it doesn’t have to come to a full breakdown. That IS part of what one’s close network is for. For the same reason that society, at large, benefits from safety nets like decently implemented universal health care, smaller sections of it, (and by extension, the whole) benefit from helping others deal with stuff, even right down to the mundane, like potential arguments about buying the wrong kind of bananas. Yes, the little red ones are way more expensive, but does it really need to be a full-blown argument?

    I’d argue, (and feel free to quote me back to myself when, inevitably, the hypocrisy is upon us) that the burdensome thing is to not make use of those social connections… to let things be more and worse, by way of avoiding the “burdening”. I’d argue that, even if it feels fundamentally untrue, at this moment in time, you are a bloody valuable addition to people’s lives, and that they want to help you however they can, because you mean a hell of a lot to them… not thinking of the social ramifications of helping others, either. It’s a feature which is obscured during function.

    But please, keep chipping away with professional help, being an advocate for yourself if you need to, and please believe me, that getting/accepting help/support/hugs/nice thoughts from people who love you is not burdensome. It’s the right thing to do.

    #172753

    Thanks. I took medical leave today from work. They offered up to a month but I think it’ll be 2 weeks tops.

    #172756

    neonte13
    Member

    Ah, that’s good! It seems like you’re taking some good steps for yourself, dude.

    Everybody operates differently, but if you find yourself needing some random dumb idea for something to do, I’m happy to have a think on it. Frankly, I probably should, anyway. It helps to have one-off options. That’s basically what the whole arts-n-crafts industry is built on. lol

    #172825

    neonte13
    Member

    So, uhh… some things, like…

    Well, first of all, I’ve started going to someone from one of the psych professions, because I’d like to get my life back. I’ve let my OCD and Tourette’s and that occupy more and more of my metaphorical floor-space like the clutter which literally does so. I’ve done a few little things, myself, but when balancing and pacing it all out, it’s far too easy to slide back to a low-numbered square. All that… IS good. I know it is… but very recently, I’ve had two or three reminders, in a row, how far I have left to go, and how much soft but real credence has been given to my normal self loathing by the state of play, in my mind.

    First, my mom came to my apartment, because I hadn’t yet made it to her house for a planned day-trip to the city. She knocked on the door, and my world just sort of started crumbling. As usual, once I realized how true this was, It was gone… as usual. I sprayed the door, wall, and deck, as best as I could, but the shouting and obscenity came, the tensing of muscles came, and the pain so did.

    Again, yesterday… I went to do laundry, eat pizza, pet dogs, and watch Netflix, at my mom’s house. I forgot to start my laundry, because she’d forgotten to start hers in the dryer. Then, she was trying to get me to eat one of the pomegranates from the pomegranate tree, but she touched the best one to test it. After a while, I went to test it, forgetting how important it was that I not break my own rules about not touching a thing she recently touched. Of course, it was like I’d fondled a prolapsed rectum. I should have known better, but I forgot. I did what I could, washing the hand, dousing it repeatedly with the diluted rubbing alcohol, then the full 95%, scraping the palm of my hand with my fingernails, for the physical feedback. It never quite went away. So when something else came up, I started to fall apart again. Over the years, I’ve fought back against the simpler instincts to hit inanimate objects, instead, getting to the core of it. Now, at these worst times, besides the special genuine imperative to shout random profanity, I’ll tense my muscles, slap or hit my head, and make abrupt, small jerky motions. The drive appears to be the same… perhaps to feel some physical pain, instead, but chiefly to contain the explosion as much as possible, hurting only the person I’m okay with hurting… or at least trying to.

    But then, that’s the problem, isn’t it. I mean, skipping over the obvious issues with such a delineation, the fact that I wouldn’t physically hurt someone else or even intend to emotionally hurt someone else isn’t enough. That’s where I am, but that isn’t enough for me. Today, my downstairs neighbor’s boyfriend asked me if I was a gamer. As became clear, in further conversation, this inquiry almost certainly pertains to my shouting of (chiefly) profanities. By framing it this way, he was likely giving me a social out, while sub-textually requesting some improvement be made.

    And here’s the problem. I’m glad he let me know. In fact, this really just confirms my fears on the matter… but that’s the thing. When I say, “fears on the matter” that’s precisely what I mean… perhaps not a Jason at my rich douchey friend’s parents’ summer cabin window, or a creepy old Transylvanian gentleman inviting me in, and commenting on his predilection for… not wine, but not too too far removed. I know my rampage would never be a bloody tear through the streets of London or Paris, but this…? This is enough. This is too much. This is what I feared. The thought of causing her enough stress that she’d mention it to him, and quite possibly ask him to mention it to me, is beyond what I find acceptable of myself.

    Now, I told him the truth, because I’m quite open about my issues, and it took a little bit to piece things together, anyway… What I’m afraid might be true, because she’s said very little to me, other than basic pleasantries, is that she’s frightened by this. Put out or annoyed is enough. That’s bad enough, and warrants effort to change, but if she’s scared… well, it’s crushing, really. I’m welling up, thinking about it to tap it out, here. I mean, to picture, hypothetically, a positive, if this sort of thing is the rhythmic drum to speed the feet of intention, dragging lethargy’s stolen horde behind, there may at least be a shimmery outer casing. I would certainly give it more thought first, but I do have to wonder if it would be worth explaining the truth to her, and explaining that I do understand the potential deeper problem, beyond annoyance, that I am sorry, and that I am working to improve things. I suspect the answer is probably no, especially given the fact that (I suspect) she asked him to have the conversation. I can’t expect the world to be as simple as that, and part of the natural complexity, perhaps, is in the fact that one person’s simplicity might be another’s cluster-fuck. I don’t know. I’ll leave this here, anyway.

    Oh, and specifically, at this point with stuff, I’ve got several relaxation things to practice and use, and I need to start listing and ranking stressful things for aversion therapy. Like I said, I want to get my life back. I also want to start a flossing habit… don’t really know why the hell that feels more daunting from here.

    #173141

    So The medication I’ve been taking for a month has only masked deeply rooted problems I still have. When the fuck does this shit end? I’m fucking tired of always coming back to square one in regards to my mental health. And on top of it I have like $2000 in medical bills I have to deal with now.

    #173653

    RadLaddy
    Member

    Hey y’all, it’s been a while, I hope that everyone’s doing alright <3

    I felt like sharing some music that I listen to when I’m feeling like crap, overwhelmed, or just generally need to be in a different headspace. See if some of yous like it. All these songs are available on Spotify but for some I can’t find them anywhere else (Sorry!)

    A Dog’s Adventure – Atta Boy
    The World Is At Your Feet Little Man – Gavin Osborn
    Vagabond – Beirut
    The Way to Wonder – Kyle Andrews
    Piazza, New York Catcher – Belle & Sebastian
    Adulthood – Jukebox The Ghost
    Cardboard Castles – Watsky
    Walden Pond – Atta Boy
    On My Own – Whitney
    Thinking It Over – Morningsiders
    Same Dark Places (Original/Acoustic) – JR JR
    Out of Sorts – Atta Boy
    Not Going Anywhere – Gavin Osborn
    At Last – Jukebox The Ghost
    Needle (Acoustic) – Born Ruffians
    Hey Asshole – Watsky, Kate Nash
    Rocks and Daggers – Noah And The Whale
    Hold It In – Jukebox The Ghost
    East Harlem – Beirut
    Mr. Blue Sky – Electric Light Orchestra
    There’s Too Much Love – Belle & Sebastian
    Scenic World (Version) – Beirut
    Port of Call – Beirut
    Invincible – Muse
    Daylight – Matt and Kim
    Obstacles – Syd Matters
    Stand By Me – Florence + The Machine
    JCB – Nizlopi
    Take a Walk – Passion Pit
    As Needed – Beirut
    Lovely Allen – Holy Fuck
    Knock Louder – JR JR
    5 Years Time – Noah And The Whale
    Fireworks – First Aid Kit
    You’ve Got The Love – Florence + The Machine
    Open Book – José González
    Not Alone – Matt and Kim
    Upside Down – Jack Johnson
    Peaceful, The World Lays Me Down – Noah And The Whale
    The Opening Act Of Spring – Frank Turner
    When We’re Alone – Atta Boy
    Good Day – Jukebox The Ghost

    Here’s a handy playlist link: https://open.spotify.com/user/teamradford/playlist/2TM28vOxRPgrvIEh8x6pn1?si=5Vio2AAlQtKImzZ3XdquAA

    Thanks for reading, enjoy!

    P.S. I know that this music might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I hope you like it nonetheless.

    #173870

    hrotgarmr
    Member

    I don’t know if people are still reading this thread and I don’t know if anyone even noticed, but I’ve been away from the show for a while.
    Not because I don’t like it anymore, but because my life has completely fallen apart.
    I just don’t know how to move on anymore and I…just don’t feel anything anymore.
    Everything is just gone and as weird as that sounds, I can’t find the person I was a few months ago anymore.
    I just wake up, do my job and go back to bed, because thinking about what happened…it just hurts so much.
    No idea why I’m even writing this…

    #173871

    Jesslb429
    Member

    Hey Hrot

    I actually had the exact same thing happen. During the show hiatus while Frash and Becky moved to Japan, I had my life spin out of control. I lost someone close to me and it proved to exacerbate my depression and anxiety. It got so bad that, in January, I self harmed for the first time in five years. It was terrifying and I sought out help. But I’m still not 100%. I may not ever actually be 100%.

    But, the point of that is, I know what the feels like. Like you have no clue who the person you are anymore. That the pieces of who you are have become memories. I still don’t but I when I got help I went to a group outpatient program and found people who felt the same. It helped to talk stuff through.

    I’m not sure what happened, but if you want to talk, here or in a pm, I’m available to listen. Even if you need to just like get angry or just mentally dump everything in your head, I’m here for that too. It might help to just write out the things in your head. I’m here, free of judgement or expectation. I’m not a professional anything but let me know.

    #173872

    hrotgarmr
    Member

    @jesslb429 : I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope that group is getting you through this somehow :(
    I won’t pretend that my problem is as bad as yours or others in this thread.

    A few months ago I moved from Germany to Toronto, Canada.
    It’s been my dream for years and my girlfriend at the time lived there.
    The issue started when she left me literally days before I moved, so instead of moving closer to someone I love, I moved into a place I now no longer knew anyone at.
    Still, I decided to move on and try to get my shit in order.
    Took a while, but I still had a stable job, enough money to live pretty comfortably and then I randomly found out that an old friend from school also lives in Toronto, how unlikely and amazing is that?

    We got along really well and started meeting several times a week.
    Watching a movie, cooking together, that stuff.
    It was so nice and just seeing a friendly face was the most incredible thing.
    Then, a few weeks ago I found out that my dad is very sick and most likely won’t survive the year.
    He’d been sick for a while and already stopped seeing a doctor, because at this point he wants to die.
    I hadn’t been told up to that point.

    Needless to say, this was terrible.
    I tried continuing with my regular life, but it was hard, very very hard.
    I barely slept, ate and got into a very dark mindset, that I hadn’t been in for years.

    Around 2012-2015 I was in a bad place and had serious thoughts about ending it all.
    Barely left my apartment, gained over 70 kilos and started to hate myself for being so weak.
    Took years to get out of that hole.
    The feeling returned.

    I did my best to stay afloat and for a little while it seemed like I could find my way back…then it got worse.
    I found out that my Ex moved back together with HER ex-boyfriend and was apparently pregnant.
    Also, she’d been with him for a while, when we were still dating.
    It absolutely broke my heart.
    I left my life and family behind for her and she’d been cheating on me.

    The only person that held me together was the friend I’d met.
    She started staying in my flat with me, to make sure I was safe.
    She held me in her arms for what felt like hours, when I couldn’t do anything but sob.
    She gave words to my pain and rage and grief.
    When I was nothing but a sad, crying little creature, she was the best friend anyone could wish for.
    And then I made a bad mistake, I started to fall in love with her.
    Not sure if it was because my mind just needed someone to cling to, or if I would’ve fallen for her anyway, but it happened.
    And I didn’t have the strenght left not to tell her.

    Well, turns out she has a boyfriend and no interest in me.
    As a friend or a brother, yes, but not a boyfriend.
    And she left, because she couldn’t deal with my feelings.
    So now I’m all alone and I think I snapped a little.
    Something in me broke in the last few weeks and I don’t know what to do anymore.
    I feel empty and very little else.
    I’m not even sad anymore, there is just nothing.

    Sorry for this long and overly dramatic story, I don’t know how else to tell it.

    #173873

    Jesslb429
    Member

    @hrotgarmr

    First and foremost, don’t worry about it being long or “overly dramatic”. One of the things I have needed to learn in my life is that pain is absolutely subjective. Especially emotional pain. Some people can, a the phrase goes “take a licking and keep on ticking” while others feel things with a higher sensitivity. Neither is wrong and neither is bad. One thing I think a lot of people need to learn is that your pain is not made less by someone else going through something else. It’s one of those things i have to tell myself. And there is no wrong way to express that. You went through something, and trust me I probably would be in the same place. And I’m not sure if it helps, but falling for a friend is something I’ve done too. He was really the only one I had in the area and I got feelings. I never really told him but instead cut myself off from him completely in the belief that I wasn’t good enough. I’m not very attractive and with my mental illness, I can be high maintenance at times. But regardless of the circumstances of their departure, it still hurts. Even if you know that you shouldn’t have felt it at all, its still there and it hurts like a bitch to lose that connection.

    I don’t know what to say that could make it better, and honestly, there might not be anything. One of the things I would say, and maybe I’m a bit biased because its what I did, but I would find either a depression group or a program to talk to. I’m sure they’re run similarly all over. The one I was apart of, along with the support groups they recommended we follow up with, usually have contact with professionals. That way if you don’t want to see someone directly you can still talk to someone. Because one of the things that I’m getting from your story is that you are kind of alone. And again, I’ve done that. I’ve done the alone thing and it makes it worse. There is nothing to push against or distract from it.

    And I know we’re not really friends, but if you need one, you can always message me here. I’m not in the right city or even country, but I am here.

    #173874

    hrotgarmr
    Member

    Because one of the things that I’m getting from your story is that you are kind of alone.

    That’s pretty much it.
    I’ve always been alone for the most part.
    My parents called me a “loner”, but the truth is that most people simply just can’t stand me.
    That was the case in Kindergarten, school and in pretty much all of my jobs.
    I’m not good looking for charming or funny and most of the time I’m a real weirdo.
    Hell, I met the gang and some turbos and I felt so terrible, because even surrounded by a bunch of nerds I felt out of place.
    I wish I could just be normal and go out and meet people, but I just can’t.
    And whenever I tried, it always, always ended in me getting hurt.
    I just…hate myself so, so much.
    I look in the mirror and I just want to scream at myself for being the way I am.
    I’m almost 30 now and I can’t even handle myself.
    Sometimes I just want to be gone.

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