Dealing with stress/depression/anxiety; We're here for you

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  • #155810
    Profile photo of RadLaddy
    RadLaddy
    Member

    Since becoming a Turbo last September my life has dramatically improved. I’ve met so many fantastic people that I can’t wait to meet one day. I’ve also seen people with a variety of issues, some of whom I’ve had the fortune to talk to and support. Whatever you may be dealing with, be it depression, suicidal thoughts, or just stress, I wanted to make this thread to give people an outlet to talk about these things. A common theme I’ve seen is Turbos thinking they don’t matter to this community. Now this thread isn’t to group all these issues together just with a simple “Get Well” message every now and then. Everyone’s problems matter and I want to be there to help everyone dealing with this. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk if we’re having trouble, nor should we think that our problems are stupid. Everyone needs something different, but I just want people to know that me and hopefully other Turbos are here for you. I’ve got problems myself, but this community and more specifically this thread are helping me deal with them. Other turbos have supported me and the intention of this thread is to talk it through, before it’s too late. You’re not alone.

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by Profile photo of RadLaddy .
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Viewing 30 replies - 211 through 240 (of 416 total)
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  • #162095
    Profile photo of RadLaddy
    RadLaddy
    Member

    @theminett That it is! :D

    #162111
    Profile photo of K-16
    K-16
    Member

    Personally I think we’re the normal ones, and society is ****ed in the head.

    #162117
    Profile photo of RadLaddy
    RadLaddy
    Member

    @k-16 Damn society. :D

    #162118
    Profile photo of K-16
    K-16
    Member

    Stupid judgemental society.

    #162247
    Profile photo of Jesslb429
    Jesslb429
    Member

    I just need to vent about the surreal events of the day. I really wont be online super long. So, I broke my ankle. There is a closed fracture on the smaller bone and all I did was fucking walk! I can’t believe this is happening! Good god! I have a migraine and this is incredibly painful. This is mostly just needing a place to express how stressed I am at being coped on a hot couch in a hot room with no mobility.

    #162248
    Profile photo of RadLaddy
    RadLaddy
    Member

    @jesslb429 :( Sorry, sounding like a shitty day. :/

    I hope your ankle heals quickly. Had a migraine myself yesterday. Recommend just trying to get some rest.

    #162574
    Profile photo of Inevitable
    Inevitable
    Member

    Bleh. Okay. I have a lot of thoughts and don’t know who to tell them to. I thought about it for a long time and settled on doing it here, since there is 0% chance anyone I know will read this and I’ve at least interacted with this community, rather than just posting anonymously on Reddit or something.

    Long post to follow. TL;DR at the end. Sorry in advance.

    I want to start out by saying that I don’t think I’ve been as active in this community as I want to be, and I apologize for that. I think it makes it hard for me to post here sometimes because I feel like I’m just whining or trying to get people to pay attention to me when they have their own stuff going wrong. And I don’t think I’ve been as open as others about what I’ve been dealing with.

    I want to talk now because my mind has been going absolutely crazy and I’m pretty confused but have no one to talk to. The biggest thing recently is that there is someone in my life that I keep obsessively thinking about. I just really admire her – I think she’s funny, super kind, beautiful, patient, hardworking… She gets anxious and when she does I just want to help her. For awhile I thought I just had a friend crush on her, but lately I can’t stop thinking about her. Do I have a real crush on her? I have no idea. That’s a lot of the stress right there. The kicker here is that we’re both girls, and I have never liked anyone (boy or girl) before and have ever before considered maybe I would like girls. I’ve always thought that if I get married, it would want to be to a guy. I mean, I find some men attractive too.

    There’s a lot of reasons why this is freaking stressful to me. I’ll try to list them briefly so that it doesn’t ramble so much, but – I know she likes guys. And we’re not actually very close. I’ve always felt intimidated by her and her group of friends because they seem to have been part of the “popular” group in high school, always dressed to impress. Meanwhile, I am awkward, overweight, dress like a guy half the time, and am overall just ashamed with how I look. So we talk, but I wouldn’t say we’re close at all. We would never hang out together one on one. This week I’ve felt embarrassed to go near her because of my thoughts.

    Also, I’m worried that I’m just exaggerating my feelings. I’ve never liked anyone before so I don’t know if this is what that feels like? Am I making it up because I’m so shocked I could like this girl? Or what? Plus, a lot of it is that I just want to be around her all the time and help her with things. It isn’t like I want to kiss her or anything sexual. So I don’t know what that means. I’ve been Googling sexual attraction vs physical attraction vs emotional attraction vs whatever attraction like a fool.

    I can’t talk to this girl about it. I can’t talk to anyone about it, and I think that makes me just dwell on it more. My only close friends haven’t talked to me since I revealed to them that I was feeling suicidal and wanted to buy a gun. They called the cops on me, which I understand, but it freaked me out. We haven’t had any real conversations since. That was in February. They’re also not super open to same-sex attraction, so I’m scared of them to be honest. And what if I’m blowing this out of proportion? Maybe I am.

    But it’s causing me to go crazy in my thoughts. And it’s making my depression get worse again, not wanting to leave the house because I don’t want to see my friends or this girl while this is going on. I feel super confused and crazy and I need to tell SOMEONE.

    TL;DR Seemingly-straight chick might be crushing on an out-of-her-league girl, which causes tons of confusion and spurs depression forward but has no one to talk to about it.

    Just thanks for letting me have some place to put this…

    #162576
    Profile photo of RadLaddy
    RadLaddy
    Member
    #163062

    It’s Time to Open Up…

    Where do I even begin with this?

    For the past months this year, I have been feeling rather stressed out and I’m having so much anxiety right now.

    Why?

    Because whenever I talk to people either in real life or on the Internet, I can’t help but feel like I’m annoying them. But how I am thinking I’m annoying them? Well I feel like I either talk too much and people are getting sick of talking to me.

    But that’s not the only thing…

    Whenever I do talk to people, I feel like I’ve been saying the wrong things to people and that I come off as either rude or stupid. I feel like I fucked up in so many ways.

    It’s a feeling that I want to get rid off and I have been trying to fight it these months passing by but…it can’t be fought with just watching YouTube all day, playing video games, TV, movies, music, draw, or anything like that.

    And when I do fight it and think I have beaten it, it just comes back and gets worse and worse…

    I try talking to other people on here, Facebook Messenger, etc. but whenever I try to talk to people, nobody responds to my messages in days. I feel constantly ignored like I’m annoying them of course.

    I’ve been in my bedroom for hours today without going out of the room this whole morning. Tired, haven’t eaten yet, and just got up from bed later than I expected. All alone in the house also isn’t helping at all.

    So you’re probably wondering what am I gonna do next?

    What I plan to do is probably go to some therapy sessions that I think are mandatory for me because I’m trying to fight this, but each time I do, I lose over and over and over and over again. I discussed this with my dad, my sister, and some friends of mine here and they all agree that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to go. That’s what I’m probably gonna do. It’s better to do it now before it gets too late in that I feel even more worse.

    I’m making this post because I’m not trying to make anyone here who reads this feel sympathetic towards me.

    I’m making it because I want to tell people that this stuff is real and it can hit hard and hurt you. It’s hurting me inside right now. Thinking about it alone is hurting me and I want people to understand that if you’re in a situation like me, you can also fight and try everything in your power to win. If it means to go through therapy and having this discussed with your family, then do it. You’re not alone and you can do it.

    I’m sorry to those who I’ve hurt before…

    #163063
    Profile photo of bundro
    bundro
    Member

    @gamingkid1998 Don’t worry, what you’re saying is very common. It actually happens more with texting or messaging than with in person conversations, so if that is how it feels, it’s something that is entirely common. Messaging happens so quickly and flies back and forth so much that it causes second guessing your statements and since you can’t read a person’s body language or reaction through it, it causes a “vortex” of you messaging more to try to find out what they are thinking. One thing I usually tell people is to ask yourself “is messaging/texting making me happier or feel worse?”. If it is making you feel worse I tell them to limit their texting/messaging for a while and try to engage more face to face. I know you said that face to face conversations worry you too, but a lot of times that is due to the feelings being created through electronic interactions carrying over into in-person interactions. Studies have actually shown that if you are already stressed/depressed texting/messaging/electronic interaction can actually exacerbate the symptoms. I’d say if talking to people that way is making you feel worse, just lay off of it for a bit otherwise you’re going to keep second guessing yourself and keep spinning down that vortex of self-doubt.

    #163065
    Profile photo of missblow
    missblow
    Member

    Huge ups to you @gamingkid1998 for recognizing what needs to be done and taking those steps to help make you feel better dude. I’m proud of you! That’s incredibly hard.

    Also, fantastic points @bundro. A couple members of my family have been struggling mentally over the last few years, and they both found that quitting social media (mainly Facebook and Twitter) helped them a lot. Facebook isn’t even a real representation of people’s lives. It just shows what they want people to think their lives are. And, yes, I agree, face-to-face interaction is so important. Having real time, in person reactions to conversations can help get rid of any of that self-doubt.

    You got this @gamingkid1998. And remember, one good decision leads to another. ;)

    Also @inevitable – I say go with the flow bud. Maybe you’re bisexual, and that’s A-OK too. No need to label. Do what feels right. <3

    #163068
    Profile photo of RadLaddy
    RadLaddy
    Member

    @gamingkid1998 I’m proud of you buddy. And I get what your you’re saying. In fact therapy is something I should look into because at times it’s just unbearable :/ But I don’t and things spiral to be worse and worse and worse. And obviously it’s something I’m afraid to do. But you’re being an inspiration. And I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like you’re annoying because I know how shitty that feels, and how frustrating it is to climb out of that hole. Thanks for sharing

    #163069
    Profile photo of Sylian
    Sylian
    Member

    @inevitable: It’s possible you’re a homoromantic (or biromantic) asexual. You could look into it and see if it applies to you?

    @gamingkid1998: For what it’s worth, you never seemed annoying to me, or annoyed me in any way.

    #163070
    Profile photo of Inevitable
    Inevitable
    Member

    @gamingkid1998 I feel like I’ve been there. Like @radladdy said, good for you for getting that help. It is pretty inspirational. I’ve had a hard time finding a therapist I get along with, but reading your post is having me think about looking again. Find those people who make you feel worthwhile. :)

    @missblow Thanks :) And @sylian – I actually was looking into that! Asexual, bisexual, whatever-sexual I’m not going to worry too much about right now because I’m only in my early twenties and maybe I’ll like someone that way eventually. But I was reading a lot about biromanticism last month and related a lot to it. (If anyone’s curious, I’ve pretty much come to terms with it and though I’m still interested in this girl, I’m not as freaked out about it which has helped not to stress!)

    #163089
    Profile photo of RadLaddy
    RadLaddy
    Member

    Things are difficult. It helps to even write that, I mean that’s what I made this for in the first place I suppose

    #163106
    Profile photo of ChaseYama
    ChaseYama
    Member

    Hi there,

    My name is Chase. I’ve been a VGA viewer since 2011 and I just went turbo a few days ago (Yay). Anyway, I’ve been a somewhat lurker in the forums for a while but never really was active in it. I recently found this thread and I’m incredibly heart-warmed to see that this thread exists. I decided I wanted to open up about some of my life, if anything just so someone might be able to relate.

    I feel like I’m a really screwed up case. Since I was a kid, I’ve always had problems with social things and loneliness. I could go on and on about that stuff because it still continues to bother me. Feeling lonely for most of my life so far has been really tough. But I kind of wanted to focus on something that’s been scaring me to the point of depression: my future.

    I think I should probably give some background first. When I was 4 years old, my parents got a divorce. I was just a kid so I didn’t even understand what was going on. I don’t want to blame anybody for the mess I’ve become, but I do think that the divorce played a major role in who I am today. I was always way closer to my mom than I was to my dad. I probably shouldn’t say mean things about my father on the internet, so I’ll just say that I never could really get along with my father (even to this day). Since I was so much closer to my mom, I carried on a lot of her traits. I’ve become a really emotional, shy, passive dude. To be honest, it’s really been a detriment to me. I feel like I lack any of the right characteristics to gain any sort of relationship (romantic or friends).

    Anyway, the divorce also really screwed up my ability to make choices. Since my mom and my father never agree on anything, I’ve been so confused about what I’m supposed to do with myself. A month ago, I started my first year in college. I got into a university with a $2,000 academic scholarship. My mom has been pushing (pretty much forcing) me to go to college, while my father firmly believes that I shouldn’t go to college and I should just get a full-time job. I’ve been stuck in the middle of these two people telling me the complete opposite things, and I can’t even decide what I’m supposed to do with my life. The pressure from my parents has been giving me a great deal of stress.

    At this point, I’ve been debating if there’s even a purpose for me. I’ve been having trouble seeing my future. My brothers are both studying in the field of Business and seem to have everything planned out. Meanwhile, I’m currently in the field of “Creative Media” (Film). Looking at it now, I don’t even think I’m in the right field. I’ve always loved making videos and I’ve been making them for nearly 10 years, but I don’t think I’m actually going to be capable of being successful in the field. It’s pretty much come down to; What’s the point of continuing if I’m just going to be a failure in the end? I don’t know. I just hated having to go through everything alone I guess.

    Now, I just want to say that the silver lining in this is that VGA has genuinely helped me through so many things (I’m sorry that sounds really cliché). Being able to laugh along with VGA has made so many crappy situations a bit better. And reading through this thread has been really helpful as well. Anyway, thank you to anyone who reads this. You’re all awesome. :)

    #163107
    Profile photo of Nara
    nara
    Member

    Hey Chase,

    I can definitely see where you’re coming from. These words might sound a bit drastic, but:

    Don’t let anyone tell you what you’re supposed to do. What I gather from you comment ist that you love making videos. If you enjoy doing that don’t let anybody tell you that you’re a failure or you’re going to fail regardless of what might happen. If you enjoy doing it and you put your heart into it, sucess will one day come your way. Don’t ever think you’re going to fail. That is my philosophy and I wanted to share it with you.

    Also don’t let anyone dictate something on you. If you are getting a job, you don’t enjoy doing or you hate, you are just going to be unhappy for your whole life.

    And we’re all here for you. Your future is yours to decide. We live in a world where everyone can do what they enjoy doing. This hasn’t always been this way, but with the internet and people being able to go everywhere they want, we created this world where in which everyone has a place. Never forget: With this community at your side, you are never alone ;)

    #163127
    Profile photo of Gazriel
    gazrielv
    Member

    @chaseyama, given what you’re studying I can offer some advice having been pushed into film studies myself.

    You’d be surprised how many people go to college not even knowing what they’re doing there and just hoping it’ll push them to a career they like. In regards to a career in film studies:
    If your program lacks practical courses (actually working with film studio equipment), you will probably have very few options career wise because knowing how to write film is one thing, but producing it is a whole different category. Of the 12 film related classes I had in my first college, only 2 were remotely useful: film theory and script writing. Everything else was merely discussing and analyzing films which hardly does you anything when you don’t put it to practice.
    I hope you don’t experience the same as I did but, I also liked making and editing my own content but I actually wanted to put it into practice. Instead my class teacher would just ask of me to write an analysis on Hitchcock’s psycho or taboo British films.

    I left that school feeling like I had gained almost nothing but I was lucky enough to find a private college that taught exactly what I was looking for. I directed a half hour show in a real studio setting, learned how to use (almost) all of the equipment and it was great. I also learned professional video and sound editing. Now having just finished, i feel like i actually have a chance to build a career.

    If you KNOW you love making videos (whether independent web content or commercially) I think there’s a reasonable goal to be achieved there. If I remember right, Half of the VGA crew took film studies and while they didn’t seem to like it that much Fraser still got himself to where he is now! My solution was to find another school that offered real training. Most of my friends experienced the same and many opted for a trade school where employment was in high demand. Maybe you’ll take what you learned from your program and produce your own original content like VGA. I think you really just have to try a bit of everything in your field to understand how it works and judge whether or not you can see yourself doing this for a living.

    Wish you the best.

    • This reply was modified 11 months ago by Profile photo of Gazriel .
    • This reply was modified 11 months ago by Profile photo of Gazriel .
    • This reply was modified 11 months ago by Profile photo of Gazriel .
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    #163133
    Profile photo of ChaseYama
    ChaseYama
    Member

    @nara, thank you so much for the advice. It’s just been tough for me since the people I’ve looked up to (my parents) are giving me such conflicting opinions. I don’t know who I’m supposed to trust anymore. It just makes it even harder for me to make my own decisions, ya know? Anyway, thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it.

    Thank you for sharing your experience, @gazrielv. I’m sorry to hear about your first college. Fortunately, I’m not currently taking any classes in the film program; I’m just working on my general graduation requirements for now. But I will make sure to use your advice if/when I start taking film-related classes. Thank you very much for the advice.

    #163298
    Profile photo of neonte13
    neonte13
    Member

    Okay, a few things that come to mind, here…

    @inevitable Honestly, there’s a lot of things that could be, with plenty of crossover/mixing. It could even be rooted, somewhat, in your feelings about yourself, and what you want yourself to be, too. Shit gets confusing, damn it! But yeah, we think you’re cool, if that helps… Definitely doesn’t help with the maybeprobablyornotbutmaybe crush, though.

    @gamingkid1998 On worrying that you’re annoying people… It’s important to remember that other people have lives… But not in the way that sounds. What I mean is that a delayed/absent response, an abrupt answer, or even a grumpy tone, often have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with unrelated things shitting on the day of the person you think you’re annoying. I know the feeling, especially when you know the worry is bullshit, but you can’t shake it, anyway. I REALLY don’t have an answer, but at least know that I know what you mean. And, I know that you know that I know that RadLaddy knows that… Wait… I lost track… I knew something. What was it?

    @chaseyama This is one of an infinite number of problems where no-one has the right answer. By all means, feel free to take on advice, even that of your parents. Some advice is better than other advice… though a lot of that depends on who it applies to VS who applies it. At the end of the day, you’re stuck having to make the decision, and having to deal with the aftermath. That being said, most of the time you can find the right numbers, and do a little math, after the aftermath, to clean it up, and figure out something else. … And, no. I’m not suggesting you major in math. I just liked that dumb bit of wordplay.

    @theminett and @thescowler “normal” people, and people who claim/seem to be totally comfortable with themselves are lying. It’s just a question of who they’re lying to and how big a lie it is.

    … Okay, I have to go back to the, “normal” thing. I know it’s got a literal meaning, here, (Though other terms can cover it better) and you guys definitely aren’t the target of my ire, but… Seriously, fuck this, “normal” bullshit. You guys are totally normal… Well, on that count, anyway. You do watch VGA, so you’ve gotta be a little weird, but it’s got nothing to do with being gay. Gay is just one of the ways people be, y’know?

    Alright, enough playing fake therapist/bad philosopher, for today. I’m off to bed.

    And, if you must know, I’m wasting my life, and the idea of finding love seems even farther off than it did when I daydreamed of wooing a tomboyish lady, and honeymooning in Paris, as a boy. But, I self medicate with comedy, and I’m trying to try to maybe come up with an idea to make a plan to figure out how to find a way to get my shit together… or something to that effect. I’ll, uh… I’ll keep you updated on all the incredible progress I’ll totally be making, any day now.

    #163337
    Profile photo of Soreiya
    Soreiya
    Member

    I’ve been letting the loneliness get to me recently. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to chat with even about stupid things like fandoms and what not. It’s not like I have not reached out to others. I think the problem is that I have nothing to offer. I’m kind of boring. :( In the olden days people would at least pretend to want to be friends to get free art. I don’t even get that anymore. It’s kind of pathetic that I wouldn’t even mind fake friends.

    #163339
    Profile photo of neonte13
    neonte13
    Member

    Yo, @soreiya , what yo fandoms be?!

    To be honest, I’m not so much into Anime, in general, as I am into specific works I really like, but then, that’s the case with pretty much everything. It kinda sucks, because I don’t really fit into any fandom, unless you break it down to the specific artists/works. Even at that, the fandom comes down to something like… Man, I really do like, Hayao Miyazaki’s, David Gray’s, Joss Whedon’s, etc. work! I can’t wait ’til they have a new thing out! (And it’s not a lifetime guarantee, either… I’m lookin’ at you, Bob Dylan!) But, as far as fandom…ey? conversations go, it is pretty fun to dissect their work, and try to describe what it is that I really enjoy, and what are some of the less obvious components that really help to hold it together, and/or set it apart.

    Anyway, with that, frankly confusing, caveat aside, wanna talk about some shit? Have you seen Azumanga Daioh? It’s quite possibly THE thing that’s made me laugh the most, not just in Anime, but everything.

    Also, the one upside to being… Oh, I know! I’ll call it Afanatical! is that I can be genuinely interested in just about anything, if the people I’m with are into it, and do more than just quote it, ad nauseam.

    Oh, and no, I’m not trying to get you to draw stuff for me… but, just in case… butts that, somehow, have boobs. lol, jk, but seriously, if you wanna show off your art, or something, I’ll slap my peepers down on it… Uhh… I mean… I’ll look at it.

    Feel free to message me, or reply here, or whatevs, although after one comment, maybe sharing some fandoms, so peeps can be like, “Ah hell yeah! I like (a thing) too! Lemme message this Soreiya duder!” we won’t then clog up the thread with random craps.

    The same goes for other boredey-pants duderonemies. You can message me, if you wanna shoot the shit about whatever, be it turtles, The band called The Turtles, TMNT, tort reform misspelled as turt reform, or… I guess even things that have nothing to do with the word, “turtle” are okay too.

    • This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by Profile photo of neonte13 neonte13.
    #163354
    Profile photo of Soreiya
    Soreiya
    Member

    @neonte13 You’re certainly the most hyperly enthusiastic person I have come into contact with in I don’t know how long. Can I like absorb some of that excess power? I often feel like I’m running on empty. I’m envious man, really I am.

    Discussing interests and so on probably should be handled through PM, but I’ll reply to what you said here. This way you can decide if it’s worth continuing the conversation elsewhere or not.

    I’ve been playing video games since the Atari in the early 1980’s. Though my taste in such things has diverged over the years. I mainly play RPG’s and a few other things now. I’m a big fan of the Tales of series. Though I’ll also play things like Ori and the Blind Forest. I dislike shooters and things like GTA. The things the bad kids would play in my youth? hahaha… It’s just not for me at all.

    As for cartoons and anime, I’m less picky about them. I’m not the biggest fan of cute girls and comedy. I do know Azumanga Daioh, but never had interest in watching it? I can however go from watching something like Digimon to something like GANGSTA without batting an eye. The Ghibli movies are pretty good as well. I’ve seen most of them.

    Listing interests is difficult to me since I like a lot of different things? Something doesn’t have to be shiny and new for me to enjoy it either. This probably has a lot to do with my age.

    I don’t draw female characters often so I think you would be disappointed with my art. I’d rather draw pretty boys, fantasy creatures, and landscapes.

    I guess if anyone wasn’t bored to death by this reply they can PM me if they want to.

    #163598
    Profile photo of Kaweta
    99sins
    Member

    Hi again everyone, it’s been a while. I’ve been putting off posting in this forum for a while now but i guess the breakdowns have been piling up so much that i just felt too much of a need to at least tell somebody. I guess i’m reaching out for help or just trying to find some kind of recluse from all this. Either way i have to give thanks to radladdy for reaching out and asking how i was doing. I guess it reminded me that some people here care and i’m running fresh out of those lately. I don’t have much to really say at this point anymore. I just finished writing my personal logbook entry for today for my school. We’re supposed to keep it updated to reflect on the work we do and how we plan to improve of take care of setbacks.

    I thought i’d share today’s very special entry with you guys. I don’t really expect anyone to really read it (then again in saying that i know that in someway i’m asking for everyone to by stating that) but i guess i just want some people besides the school and people who know me to have this in case i do actually do something stupid. Right now i’m just trying to keep my head busy and not do anything irrational. Anyways, here’s the logbook entry (i guess feel free to ask for clarification on confusing parts)

    We woke up late and exhausted still. We ended up just giving up completely for the day. Again i could not sleep at all even while i was to tired and sleepy. I constantly feel too down and fatigued to work and too stressed to sleep. Nothing is helping anymore and i can’t even take breaks anymore because they don’t have anymore benefits for me. I can’t do this anymore, this is just too much for me to handle. Between the family, the moving, all the projects and the depression and potential burnout I can’t keep going on like this. Every weekend is just a tear filled slog with minimal to no progress in any aspect of my life. Whatever is made always feels extremely inadequate and pointless. There is no more motivation with this course, i keep hating being part of this sector the more i delve into it. I don’t what to do anymore with my life. I want to quit but i don’t know where to go if i do or if it’s even possible for me. Breakdowns are becoming a daily thing where i can’t go for more than 5 hours without having some suicidal or nihilistic thoughts on my future, my life or my actions. I see no more value in my own life if this is how things will always be; always inadequate, always behind on tasks, always dependent on others, always easily cracking under pressure, always a burden to others. All i ever wanted was to not be a burden to others and all everyone wants in this business is confident independent workers with fire in their eyes and forward thinking attitudes and i’ll never be that. I’ll never be what others want me to be and no one wants what i am. I don’t feel like i can improve anymore past cramming information into my head. I have a useless personality and all my strong points always feel like they are rendered useless by my weak points. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore and i don’t see any opportunities for me. I don’t have what it takes to be employed in this field of work and i don’t even know what will spark that fire anymore to get me motivated to do anything. I liked lab work so i tried Life sciences but i was too dumb/under qualified for the course. I didn’t know Wiskunde B and could barely follow certain classes. I was looked down upon by the Chinese students that got higher grades and one even tried turning me down when i asked him to work together on a presentation. I picked Animal Husbandry because i like animals and all i got was enough trauma to make me go vegetarian and aiming for vegan. I tried finding something to give me motivation within the course but always struggled at every step. Now i don’t know anymore. Even if i change courses, even if there are some in English that is not too much of a hassle to get to i don’t know if i’ll like it. What i saw from HAN and VHL left a good impression but it was always destroyed once i actually joined the courses. I don’t have the time, money or backup to even shop around for courses. I don’t have the privilege of trying until something clicks. If i change courses it will be my last strike and if that turns into a dud then i will get no more allowance from Aruba and the count down to having to start paying it back will begin. I like the concept of Psychology. I guess when you’re depressed and in your head all the time from having no friends you get interested in those kind of things. I grew up playing video games all my life even though that doesn’t bring me joy anymore. A course in game making might be something but again i don’t know if either of those require something i can’t offer or will yet again get completely ruined as soon as I actually commit and use up my last chance. I can’t deal with all this pressure from everyone and i can’t take time for myself. My time doesn’t feel like my time anymore; everyone else around me owns my time. Every second i spend not doing something is a second wasted not pleasing others or improving my future career or life in general. I don’t see any joy in my life or my future anymore.

    #163599
    Profile photo of RadLaddy
    RadLaddy
    Member

    @99sins Hey buddy. I’m sorry it’s been so difficult for you, we’re always here to talk. It is very easy to say that there’s no one that cares and in some cases that is very true. But you need to make time for yourself. If it’s literally not possible to do that, then that’s not your fault and there’s another way to deal with it. Feeling like every second of your existence has to please others, or that you’re constantly a nuisance, I know how that feels and I know that it’s wrong.

    Sounds like you’ve had problems settling with a course and that makes you feel inadequate; It shouldn’t. Some people aren’t set out on straight roads and know the exact path they need to take for success. But I can’t say I envy those people. There’s a sort of freedom in not knowing what you want to do, another way to see it. But, you’re expected to specialise and you can’t and that is understandably stressful.

    Here we care and are always here to talk if you want, and to offer and distraction, which is what you need. You need to find something to make you happy; but that can wait too. Thinking about the future is depressing and so you need to enjoy the moment. Of course that’s difficult too, but there has to be a way to just relax. The future can wait.

    #163602
    Profile photo of neonte13
    neonte13
    Member

    @99sins, do you have anyone around, like a friend or family member, who you can comfortably shoot the shit with, and talk about serious stuff with? The reason I ask is that it might be best to have a good, long chat about some stuff. More specifically, metaphorically throw out the list of courses, and just shoot the shit, loosely centered around things you’ve enjoyed, things that fascinated you, experiences that became events, over time, as you came back to them, in your mind. This is where it helps if you have an established camaraderie with the person you’re chatting with, as you don’t want to be thinking too much about the present or future, at this stage.

    Having done that, quite possibly with multiple people, mull over the conversation, and what came up, especially any high points that got you excited, in reminiscing, and rewatching it, in your mind.

    With those things in mind, let your focus shift to what you can imagine of the future. I think I can best explain this step by giving an example.
    In writing this, I thought about just how much I loved going on cave tours, as a kid, learning about the caves and bats. Then I imagined myself being on the other side, getting kids excited about seeing the masterpieces, and the brush strokes of time and water, therein… Teaching them about the sheer badassery of bats, in general, and the freaking superhero level awesomeness of our local stars, the Mexican Free Tailed Bats.

    Only after thinking about those cherishables of your past and the possible possibles of your future, should you return to the perishables of the present. After all that, when you return to scratching your head over the course/major list/lists, you may not see them in a new light, but the glass thing on the light fixture should be a lot cleaner… rather than the dusty, dead bug filled, glass thing, with a mysterious splotch of some long-dried liquid, which the course list is to you, now.

    … No, seriously… What the hell is that splotch? Is it ketchup? How, on earth, did I get ketchup all the way to the ceiling fan?! What is the world coming to?

    Anyway, I think this should help you sort things out a lot better than pulling your hair out over a list of fractionally useful classes and super generic hypothetical career paths. It really isn’t the end of the world, at all, but it could be the end of feeling like a passenger, in the car that is your hopes and dreams for the future… only in charge of the giant fold-out map, and pouring burned coffee from a big, metal thermos.

    Oh, and if you don’t have someone around to shoot the shit with, feel free to message me, and I’ll get out my shit gun. We can even talk on Skype, or Discord, or something, if it’s hard to do in text based communication.

    … Oh, and also… what RadLaddy said. Lol
    This thing is already long enough, as it is, but to add to that, what you’re going though is not very uncommon. Everyone has regrets, in their life, and it can easily feel like you’re constantly on the verge of a massive one, when you’re in college, and your classes are stressing you out / adding to the stress.

    • This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Profile photo of neonte13 neonte13.
    • This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Profile photo of neonte13 neonte13.
    • This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Profile photo of neonte13 neonte13.
    #163818
    Profile photo of Mollypop
    Mollypop
    Member

    Hiya :)

    I have wanted to type my story for a little while. I’m a recovered alcoholic, recovered prescription drug addict, recovered self harmer and I struggle with an eating disorder. I am 22 and live in England.

    I think the reasons why I have struggled so much are complicated, however I think a lot of it is to do with genetics. My grandparents were in a psychiatric hospital getting electroshock therapy for extreme depression years ago. My dad committed suicide when I was 12, and I witnessed his decline from “normal” dad to very poorly and extremely depressed, addicted, anxious dad in about one year. After that my mum met a man who abused us both and I lived with that man from the age of 14-17. At 17 I started living alone, which was awful, only because the Jobcentre was forcing me to get a job, which I knew was impossible at the time. I eventually couldn’t afford living alone anymore. I was living off a few thousand pounds given to me by court, due to the NHS being extremely negligent in looking after my dad when he asked for help hundreds of times. They told him “you’re not ill enough for help” (I’ve heard this so many times that I know how he must have felt) and “there’s nothing we can do for you, go home.” So after this money ran out, I moved into a hostel for young homeless people aged 16-25. I was self-harming and abusing codeine that I bought from pharmacies. After this I moved to yet another hostel, which was a bit nicer and I had my own shower in my room.

    I then got offered a flat from the council and that is where I am living right now. I am thankfully on ESA, which is a form of disability allowance similar to unemployment allowance except you don’t have to look for jobs. From the end of 2014 until January this year, I was a horrific alcoholic. I tried it, and within days, I couldn’t live without it. I had never tried it before, even socially. It took me to another world. A drunk world where I did nothing but sit still and throw up. I developed a pattern of: sleep 2 hours, wake up and immediately down a quarter bottle of vodka, sleep 2 hours wake up, immediately down a quarter bottle of vodka and so on…. It ended in a suicide attempt and my first and only stay in a psychiatric hospital for a month in November 2015. They didn’t want to help me, but my mum begged and told them I would kill myself if they let me go. Since January I have been sober. 283 days sober today. However, I did get addicted to codeine again after stopping drinking. It got bad and I was taking 30-60 tablets a day. I went cold turkey on the 30th of September 2016 and went through quite bad withdrawal. It involved a lot of crying, diarrhea, restless leg syndrome, insomnia, cold and hot sweats, loss of appetite and depression. The physical symptoms lasted about two weeks, and now I am getting through the mental side.

    I am seeing a counselor and am currently on Citalopram, Amitriptyline, Campral/Acamprosate, and I have come off Fluoxetine (didn’t work for me) and Naltrexone.

    That is my story in a nutshell. :) I am doing much, much better than 3 weeks ago, and I am 200% better than this time last year. Thank you for sharing your stories, it is reassuring to know that none of us are ever alone in feeling unwell.

    #163819
    Profile photo of neonte13
    neonte13
    Member

    @mollypop I’m so glad that you’re doing better! Addiction is a wretched beast, and I’m proud of you for coming out the other side. That being said, it’s not a fight that can’t come back, so please don’t be afraid to talk to us or me, about the shitty stuff in life, so the temptation doesn’t even get a good foot hold.

    #163826
    Profile photo of UltimaLyca
    UltimaLyca
    Member

    Don’t know if I’m actually going to post this or not but I think I need to type it either way.

    So during the Show and Trailer I started thinking because the crew went on to do Jackbox. They got to the faking-it game and one of the questions was “Hold up the same number of fingers as money you have on you right now ($10 a finger).” or something like that. Fraser held up 5 fingers and then someone said “I don’t even have $50 in my bank account.”

    Me neither. I’m terrible with money and I don’t have a job. I’m a student but only for two days of the week, yet I still don’t have a job. I have to wait until the 7th before I get any money for next month, so I’m literally living on scraps, yet I’m still not motivated to get a job.

    Worse than that, I haven’t gone into Uni the last 3 weeks.

    Every single day I’m putting on more weight. Every single day I feel worse about myself; how I look, how I act, how I don’t ever do anything productive; all because of laziness. I’m not sure it has anything to do with anxiety (though I’m sure there is a bit of that in there), I just don’t have the motivation to do things that are even a bit unpleasant. I just feel like a big kid who doesn’t deserve to have a roof over his head.

    That was just a tiny stream of conciousness, but I guess I just needed to say something about it.

    #164214
    Profile photo of neonte13
    neonte13
    Member

    @UltimateLyca I left this one for a bit, hoping someone might have some super insightful advice, or summat… Why?

    Because I have somewhat similar issues, and it sounds like quite similar feelings about it. If it helps, I believe in ya, and I’m rooting for ya. AND, you definitely do deserve a roof over your head, yo!

    I would say, that if you’re just staying in all the time, (like m’self) definitely look into things in your area that broke/poor people can do, see, or surreptitiously manipulate, using your powers of telekinesis and the ability to speak to badgers.

    And if you can’t speak to badgers, may I recommend voles or stoats. They may not be as fierce of fighters, but they’re good guys, and I wouldn’t hear a word against them.

    Anyway, good luck parsing that nonsense I just typed, and good luck in the quest to vanquish lethargy. Let me know if you stumble across any killer tricks, eh?

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